Tuesday, March 27, 2007

The Kelly Diet

Or

How a lazy-ass donut addict lost 71.5 lbs (so far).

I’ve been receiving lots of compliments on how much better I look since the weight loss. Which is nice. However, it's not something I’d normally mention because it seems like bragging, but I bring it up because the compliments are inevitably followed by this exchange:

Random Complimenter: “How much have you lost?”

Me: “71.5 lbs. so far and working on another 13 to go”

RC: “Wow! Ohmygoshhowdidyoudoitwhatplandidyoufollow? Tellmetellmetellme!”

Me: “Uh, well, y’see, my husband left me for another woman and…”

Awkard silence.

This keeps happening so I’ve started to think that maybe I need to come up with a better response. That’s tough, though because it’s not like I can just say “Weight Watchers” or “Atkins” or whatever. I've sort of made up my own thing as I’ve gone along and for whatever reason, it’s worked. Now, I don’t have anything against all those other diets. I’ve tried just about all of ‘em myself and many of them have good points. I think Weight Watchers teaches great portion control and how to keep a healthy balance in your diet. I think the low/no-carb Atkins philosophy has a point about an excess of carbs being a problem when dieting.

But the big thing I learned from all of these various regimens is that I COULDN’T STAY ON THEM SO THE WEIGHT CAME BACK.

Let me say that again.

I COULDN’T STAY ON THEM SO THE WEIGHT CAME BACK.

So, it became obvious that I needed to create a regimen that I would be able to stick to for life. Not only is yo-yo dieting bad for you (because we all know you never just gain back the amount you lost – you always gain 10-20 on top of that) but I was no longer willing to accept failure as an option.

Now, I’d love to say that I was immediately struck by a brilliant, inspired and complete diet plan which I put into action and followed religiously from the moment I thought of it.

Those of you that know me well should please stop laughing and pick yourselves up off the floor.

Didn’t quite happen that way. It’s been more of a process that’s evolved over the past year and a half. I thought I’d document it, though, because maybe someone else can find some or all of it useful.

And, okay, I’m a teensy weensy bit proud of my achievement, too.

Basically, I can boil my philosophy down to 3 steps (remember, I’m going for that pithy response for when people ask me questions that doesn't involve me saying "okay, first thing you do is get your husband to dump you for someone else" because call me crazy, but I don't think many women are going to be able to stick to THAT plan.)

STEP ONE: No More Denial.

STEP TWO: Change your eating habits (notice I didn’t say “eat less”).

STEP THREE: Exercise more.

Yeah, I know. Step 3 bites the big one, but there’s just no getting around it (see step one about no more denial). However, you don’t have to worry about it now because we’re going to put it off as long as possible. Something I’m sure we all excel it because, let’s be honest, if we were brimming-with-energy-go-getters-who-love-to-exercise-all-day-long, we wouldn’t need to lose weight in the first place, right?

I’ll break the steps down in more detail in future entries. I’m going to sprinkle this stuff in occasionally amongst other topics because life is NOT all about weight loss. I’ve got other good stuff coming up – bead pics, beach pics, a book review, etc.

KJ

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

This weekend was on fire, y'all!

Wow, it was a gorgeous weekend here! Mid-80’s on Saturday and mid-90’s on Sunday. Don’t believe me? Here’s the proof:


And, of course, being So Cal, when the mercury gets above 80 degrees, we have to catch on fire. Here are photos of one of the two fires that broke out over the weekend (as taken from the top of the parking structure at the Irvine Spectrum).



To avoid the heat and smoke, I spent some time shopping at the Spectrum (got some great sale stuff at Ann Taylor Loft – finally being able to shop in “normal size” stores so totally rocks!) and then I went down to Laguna Beach with a friend and we just walked and walked and walked on the beach. It was so gorgeous. My pedometer says we did 3.5 miles and burned 500 calories.

So, of course, then we went out to dinner. I was good, though. Just had a salad w/ grilled shrimp and no dessert (despite the fact that we were at a French bakery-type place and the waiters kept going by with this unbelievable dessert tray). Good thing we were sitting out on the balcony overlooking the ocean so I had that fabulous sunset view to distract me. In fact, I was so distracted, I forgot to take a picture, but it’s one of my goals to get down to the beach more often this year so I’m sure I’ll be able to post a picture another time.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

KJ

Monday, March 12, 2007

I need sleep!

I have two things to say:

1. I need to find whoever had the brilliant idea of extending daylight savings time and kill them. A lot. In slow painful ways possibly involving iron maidens, the rack or being thrown to sharks. And yeah, okay, I know it’s supposed to be all energy-saving and good for the planet and stuff, but is that really going to matter a whole hell of a lot when I am up on a clocktower with a high-powered rifle taking aim at people because I’ve gone psychotic from sleep deprivation and too much Diet Coke which I will have downed by the gallon in the vain attempt to compensate for actual sleep? Isn’t it enough that I’m awakened on the weekends at 6 AM by a 4 year old yelling “Mom, I pooped” from the bathroom across the hall? Now, this has to happen at 5 AM because of some stupid law that some stupid greenie Congressman passed? Ed Begley, Jr. is behind this somehow, I’m sure of it. Well, I’m coming for you Begley. I’m coming for you and I’m high on 27 Diet Cokes so you’d better watch out! Y’know, if we’d just build more nuclear power plants, we could all get some freakin’ sleep!

2. On a completely unrelated topic, I have finally found THE perfect pair of pants. The waist is neither too high nor too low. They are not pleated (hate you pleated pants! you are evil and must be stopped!). They do not have tapered legs and therefore they do not make you look like an ice cream cone with feet when you wear them. They’re cotton with a touch of stretch which is just about the most perfect fabric combo EVER. They come in petite and plus sizes and three different lengths. In fact, I liked them so much that I bought one pair in “ankle” length to wear with flats and one pair in “regular” length to wear with heels. They even come in a “curvy” version for those with a little more “junk in the trunk” than the rest of us. LOVE YOU Gap “clean stretch cotton” pants.

Now, don’t you feel lucky to be privy to the inner workings of my (perhaps slightly crazy) brain? Because this is what I live with every day, people, thought processes that careen randomly from one totally unrelated topic to another. NOW do you see why this whole extra Daylight Savings thing is a BIG mistake? Big. Huge even.

You’ve been warned.

KJ

P.S. People, please stop buying pleated pants. I’m begging you. Also, no more tapered pants unless you are Nicole Richie who, as a walking skeleton, is perhaps the only human being who can get away with them. And pants that are pleated AND tapered? Run. Fast. You should possibly be screaming in horror while doing this.

P.P.S. Not sure if your pants are tapered? It is getting hard to tell what with some designers calling things “straight leg” which are actually tapered and calling things “boot cut” which are actually straight leg. So, an easy test. Take the leg of the pant and flip it up in half so that the hem hits about where the knee is. If the bottom of the pant is narrower than the knee area, you’ve got tapered pants. Put them down and walk away (except for you, Nicole, you can go ahead if you want to, but also grab yourself some cheesecake or something because you’re scaring everyone, m’kay?) If it’s equal to the knee, you’ve got a straight leg pant. If it’s SLIGHTLY wider than the knee, it’s a boot cut. If it’s lots wider, then it’s a flare leg. Note that flare legs are NOT necessarily the same as wide legs.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Insert witty and snazzy title here.

It’s Friday so it must be book review day (occasionally, anyway). Oh, and bead picture day. But more about that later.

Here are the books:

1. “Bedlam’s Edge” – Mercedes Lackey, et al. I used to really like this series when I was younger, but I think I’ve outgrown it. It’s very “teen” reading to me now. I know – I’m older than dirt. Still, I thought it would be interesting to read an anthology set in that universe and see what other writers have made of it. I think if you’re not a fan of the “Bedlam” or “SERRated Edge” series, it’s probably not worth bothering with. If you are a fan, the stories are okay. Not fabulous, but not bad either. There’s an interesting note at the back that gives the history behind the genesis of the series that long-time fans will appreciate.

2. “Light My Fire” – Katie McAlister. Yes, it’s romance and yes, my usual bitching about the over-the-top sex scenes applies. Oh, and also, the heroine is dumb as a box of rocks (of course) and yet there’s so much funny, crazy stuff going on and the dialogue is so snappy and humorous, that I’ve become a big fan of this series. The exchanges between Aisling and her demon-dog, Jim, are worth the purchase price alone.

3. “The Smoke Thief” – Shana Abe. Great background and interesting set up completely ruined by typical romance-genre crap (i.e. the high-handed jerk of a hero to whom the formerly smart, but now completely helpless heroine is hopelessly attracted despite hating, no wait, loving, no wait, hating his guts). Too bad. It had promise.

4. “Blood Bound” – Patricia Briggs. I will read ANYTHING that Briggs writes. She knows how to spin a good yarn and this second installment in the series is a significant improvement over the first book (which was good, don’t get me wrong, but this one is better). I really like the way she’s infused the getting-really-overdone-and-tired urban vampire/werewolf story with the Coyote mythology. She’s perfectly captured the contrariness and inclination to trickery that is the epitome of that particular archetype. Don’t know about Coyote the Trickster? May I suggest Google?

5. “My Big, Fat, Supernatural Wedding” – Edited by P.N. Elrod. I’ve been really disappointed in anthologies lately. Seems like ever since MZB died, no one’s been doing a very good job with them. This book was a terrific exception. For one thing, there isn’t a clunker of a story in the entire bunch and that’s VERY rare. For another, the quality of authors who contributed is much higher than usual. Normally, you might get 1-2 big names and the rest are unknowns (and after you read their stories, you realize WHY they are still unknowns). But this book gives us P.N. Elrod herself, Jim Butcher (yay, a Dresden story to tide me over until “White Knight” comes out), Charlaine Harris, Sherrilyn Kenyon, Rachel Caine, L.A. Banks (whose regular books I think are crap, but they’re very popular and her story in this book is actually quite good). This was definitely a lot of fun to read.

6. “Blood and Iron” – Elizabeth Bear. Get ready to Google again, big time. Because if you don’t have a very thorough knowledge of Celtic mythology, the Arthurian cycle, the Sidhe, the ballad of “Tam Lin” and various other bits of fantastical and arcane knowledge, you are going to be hopelessly lost in this book. Heck, I know all that stuff like the back of my hand and even I was scratching my head at times going “huh?” Some of the dialogue exchanges, in particular, were beyond obscure. On the other hand, I suppose that is to be expected when dealing with the Daoine Sidhe – in fact it’s one of their claims to fame. Despite the confusion, though, this was an excellent book. I loved the kelpie (one of those things you’ll need to Google if you don’t know what it is) and its relationship with Elaine. I thought the werewolves (do they have to be in EVERY single story now?) and the Prometheans seemed extraneous to the story which should have focused more closely on Elaine.

Okay, on to the bead pictures. I hit a local show a couple of weeks ago and picked up some new and unusual trinkets. I got a great deal on these faceted cubic zirconia briolettes:


Look at those colors! Let me assure you they are even prettier in real life. I already have designs planned for them and can’t wait to get the time to sit down and get going on them.

Then, I ran into a fused glass artist that I had last seen at the L.A. Gift Show. My friend Laura and I bought quite a bit of stuff from him and I guess he remembered me because he gave me a super deal on these small pendants and even threw in a freebie – the pretty green/blue/purple square in the center.


By the way, the scan on these sucks. They look very dull and grayed-out. In real life, they are brilliant with color and sparkle.

Then I hit a couple of my favorite metal vendors. Got a mess o’ heart sterling silver heart charms for a design I’ve been planning for a long time. Oh, he had some fleur-de-lis charms, too, so I got some of those for my mom as it’s the symbol of her sorority – Kappa Kappa Gamma. She’s wanted me to make something for her forever and now I have the materials.


Also got these pretty hammered components in both sterling silver and gold. I just got a few to try out, but if they work out the way I hope, I’ll be getting a lot more.


Lastly, here’s a picture of the most unique thing I found at the show (which is saying a lot because I’ve been to so many of them that virtually NOTHING is new any more):


Aren’t these treated copper beads and clasps SO pretty? I especially like the swallows – VERY So Cal.

Everyone have a great weekend. It is supposed to be sunny and warm and in the upper 80’s here all weekend so I am going to the beach. In March. Woohoo!

KJ

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Holy Running Machine, Batman!

I have an announcement to make.

Last night, I ran.

That’s right, you heard me. I RAN! As in running, to run, ran, people. In case you’re wondering why I’m making such a big deal out of this, let me explain that, up until last night, I was a non-runner. A person who could not run. Well, couldn’t run without wanting to die after, like, three steps.

And yeah, some of the running aversion was because I was fat and out of shape for a number of years, but it goes way back before that.

I was a champion swimmer in elementary school and junior high. I still have my trophies and boxes of ribbons and medals – including a bronze medal for my 3rd place finish in the 400 I.M. relay (I swam the butterfly lap) in the Junior Olympics. Couldn’t run back then, either.

In high school, I was a dancer and a member of our state championship drill team. I danced up to 6 hours a day. Every day. I marched in 7 mile long parades. While dancing. While wearing white marching boots that after mile 2 started to weigh about 8,000 lbs. In 100 degree weather. I danced 6-minute long dance routines and marched double-time down the entire length of a football field and back EVERY DAMN DAY.

I weighed 116 lbs. I was IN SHAPE.

But could I run the ¼ mile for the annual physical fitness test? Hell, no. I failed that stupid thing every year (although I kicked ASS on the sit-ups and push-ups).

I don’t know if it’s an allergy thing (as in, maybe all my allergies reduced my breathing capacity) or what, but I have never been able to run more than a few steps without feeling like I can’t breathe which then leads to the whole wanting to D-I-E thing.

Until last night. I have vanquished the running beast! I’ve been doing interval training (3 minutes at “normal” pace and then 1 minute at “fast pace” alternated for 30 – 45 minutes) on the elliptical or treadmill machines at the gym in order to goose my metabolism into coughing up these last 20 lbs. that I want to lose. Last night, I changed the 1 “fast pace” minute to a full-out “run” minute. And I did it all the way through my 35 minute session.

And I did not die, nor did I come close to feeling like dying.

THIS IS A FREAKIN’ MIRACLE!

Tonight, I’m upping the running sections to 2 minute intervals.

Cue the Flock of Seagulls music: “And I raaaaaaan. I ran so far awaaaaayyyyy…”

KJ

P.S. I ate blueberries and yogurt for a snack today. And I liked it. What’s next? Tomatoes? Squash? It’s possible a pod has taken over my body because this for sure is NOT me. I do not run and I do not eat fruits and vegetables. I. Just. Don’t. I am maybe becoming a pod person…

P.P.S. Except maybe not because squash? No. Just…no.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Fashionable (and verbose) Friday

Sit down and relax because there’s a lot to cover today. I should’ve posted this earlier in the week because it’s probably old news by now, but it’s taken me a while to get this whole entry written. Anyway, here’s my take on the fashions from the Oscars this year – not that anyone cares about my opinion, but I like to critique fashion anyway.

I was pretty disappointed overall in the clothes. There wasn’t anyone who I thought was absolutely fabulous, stunning, over-the-top fantastic. I didn’t see any major standout pieces of jewelry, either. Sure, there were lots of diamonds, but usually there are a few special, unusual items that are memorable and I didn’t notice any of those.

Having said that, my hands-down favorite dress was Reese Witherspoon’s:

The picture does not do it justice because it looks black, but it's actually a deep violet shading to lavender at the hem. I love it when actresses wear color on the red carpet – black and white are so darn safe and I’m never a fan of the blush or skin-toned dresses (the possible exception being the gold beaded dress that Charlize Theron wore a couple of years ago). Anyway, Reese looks amazing. Divorce agrees with her – a feeling I know a little something about.

I also liked Nicole Kidman’s red dress with the exception of the giant bow in the back.

It reminded me of the kitten from Disney’s “The Aristocats.”


I also wish she’d quit going so pale blonde with her hair. I think it looks better with a little more color in it (especially because she’s so danged pale she practically glows in the dark – would it KILL her to wear a hint of bronzer?) And wow - her feet are HUGE!

Two dresses I really HATED were Gwyneth Paltrow’s:



and Cameron Diaz’s:

In Gwyneth’s case, I don’t think the color is flattering on her. It looks kind of “muddy” to me although I suppose it’s possible it was prettier in person. The top doesn’t seem to fit quite right – it looks like it’s cutting in to her just beneath her shoulders, but heck, at least she wore a bra this time (remember the awful Goth-chick-see-through thing she wore that time? Shudder!).

In Cameron’s case, this dress reminds me of a prom dress I had back in the 80’s that was bright white, stiff taffeta. Yeah, it didn’t look good on me either. I’m also not a big fan of the dark hair on her, but it probably would look better if she’d chosen a different color dress instead of the white. And please, someone, get the spray tan away from her! She looks like an Oompa Loompa.
I’m on the fence about Penelope Cruz’s dress:


It’s another one of those pale, washed-out colors that I despise, but because of her gorgeous skin and hair color, she actually pulls it off pretty well. The bodice fits her to perfection which is always a worry with the strapless gowns. So many actresses seem to not get the fit right and they’re either too loose (resulting in the continual possibility of imminent mammary flashage) or too tight (resulting in the whole “hey, I’m getting a mammogram for free on the red carpet” squashed look). Then there’s the skirt. My first thought was that I hated it. Then, I gave it a second look and thought that it really is pretty amazing as far as construction and she does manage to carry it without being overwhelmed. Overall, I think my initial reaction is perhaps more due to the fact that my own personal style is a little less “over the top” than that dress is so it looks like too much to me. I do have to say, though, that the dress is lucky it’s on Penelope because I think THAT’s what makes it sort of work. Anyone else would just look like they were draped in dead pink swans from the waist down.

Okay, on to more accessible fashion. And my shoe-rating system for guys. Seems like I’m still stuck in the “is this guy even worth wasting my GOOD gym shoes on” phase. I had someone who was initially shaping up to be a “cute pair of flats” guy, but I had to bust him back down to “not worth putting shoes on at all” status. But that may all be behind me as I have come up with the perfect solution. Y’see, I’ve found the ULTIMATE pair of shoes. I am going to marry these shoes, live a long and happy life with them and then be buried in them.

Guys? What guys?

I have my yellow Charles Jordan d'Orsay pumps:

And as soon as I can scrape up enough cash to afford them, I will be a very, very happy woman.

In the meantime, though, I thought I’d feature a couple of really cute pairs of flat shoes like these pink beaded dragonfly thongs:

and these satin flower-print ballet flats

just for those who are worried that I will be permanently crippled from all the high heels or that I will eventually fall and break my neck.

Seriously, though, how CUTE are those pink dragonflies? And they are BEADED, too! You cannot get much better than that.

Lastly, it being Friday and all, it’s time for some book reviews. Since there’s been nothing but crap available lately, I decided to re-read a couple of old favorites by Lois McMaster Bujold.
"Shards of Honor" and "Barrayar" are the two “prequels” to her Miles Vorkosigan saga. And frankly, as much as I love the Miles books, I think I actually prefer these two because of the main character. Cordelia Naismith is absolutely one of the best sci-fi characters ever written. Smart, strong and with incredible emotional depth and personal standards, she makes these books fascinating reads.

Then, I went out and tried a new author/series in the mystery/occult crossover genre. I wish someone would stop me when I get these urges to try new authors – it NEVER works out well. Yasmine Galenorn’s "Ghost of a Chance" is a prime example. This book contained two things guaranteed to make me label a work as crap. 1. A main character who is beyond stupid and 2. A completely obvious villain who appears out of nowhere in the last 1/4th of the book (thereby making it obvious “whodunit”) Hate, hate, hate that. Did I mention hate? Because it’s really not too strong of a word here.

I’ve got two other books that I’m almost at the end of and I promised myself that I am not allowed to write a review until I’ve actually finished a book so, I’ll just have to save those for next Friday.

Have a great weekend, everyone. I’m going to get the hair re-blonded, run some errands and hopefully drop by a bead and gem show on Saturday and then plan to take the kidlet to the beach on Sunday if the weather cooperates and we both manage to stay healthy that long.

Take care!

KJ

Thursday, March 01, 2007

The Surreal Life

Or

My day at the DMV

Yeah, I know, complaint stories about the DMV are so incredibly clich├ęd, but honestly, as long as I have called and made appointments in the past, I’ve never had a problem. Breezed in, 10 minutes, breezed out.

Not this time.

This experience was a SNAFU beyond belief. So sit back, relax, and enjoy my tale of torment and woe.

So, I’m doin’ the whole post-divorce name change thing, right? I started with the Social Security card (and by the way, THEY are a government agency who has their act so totally together it’s amazing – zero problems with them). Once that was done, I was free to move on to the DMV.

I followed the instructions on the DMV website and made an appointment.

I showed up 15 minutes early for the appointment because that’s just how I roll, yo.

This is where it all went to hell. No handbasket involved – it was an express cart.

The local DMV is located in a strip mall. Don’t ask me why – that’s where it’s always been since back when I was 16 and took my driver’s exam for the first time. When I arrived, I immediately got an unpleasant feeling as I realized that most of the strip mall’s buildings and parking lot were either gone, or were in the process of being bulldozed away. The heaviest area of construction seemed to be at the end of the mall where the DMV had been located. The building was still there, but the parking lot in front of it was ripped up and I felt a bit queasy as I thought it looked like they had closed or moved that office and never updated the website.

Still, there seemed to be a lot of cars and people down that way so I decided to park and check it out. After picking my way through rubble and bulldozers and enduring the obscene catcalls of the construction workers (note: I will NEVER in a million years understand why men do this – I cannot believe that there has ever been a woman in the entire history of womenkind who has EVER responded to this. But whatever) I finally realize that yes, one door of the building is open.

Unfortunately, there is a massive line of people straggling out of it.

Still, I’m early, right? I have plenty of time to get up to the appointment desk and get my business taken care of.

Then I get through the front doors and get a look at the horror that is taking place inside. The place is JAMMED with people. There’s ONE long line leading up to a desk and the line is not moving. I look in vain for any signs saying “appts. go here” in the hopes that I, who have an appointment, need not wait in the line of doom. I also look in vain for any signs or actual human workers who can tell me what, if any, forms I need to fill out before I get up to the desk.

No luck. In either category.

So, after heaving a huge sigh of annoyance, I enter the line of doom. I stand there for 15 minutes and the line doesn’t move at all. However, a DMV worker finally appears and starts pulling various people out of line after asking them questions so I think “a-ha! he’s searching out the ‘appt. people’ and giving them preferential treatment. I shall be saved as soon as he gets to me.”

This, gentle reader, was not to be as I quickly realized that the only people he was pulling out of line were female, dressed like sluts and under the age of 18. This, apparently, is far more effective at the DMV than having an appointment.

Finally, in desperation, I ask the people in front of me if they have appointments. This does not work as they do not speak English. Then, I notice a group of about 5 people standing up at the desk where the line of doom eventually terminates. They are not actually IN the line of doom however and yet some action seems to be taking place in their general vicinity.

I get out of the line of doom (a calculated risk) and go over to this group. Hooray, they are all “appt. people.” I am saved!

Apparently, having an appointment does mean you get to be in the shorter line and then you are processed alternately with the people from the line of doom. An improvement, but a very small one.

It is now 15 minutes PAST my appointment time, but I wait patiently and finally it is my turn at the desk.

Whereupon the zombie retard worker looks at me and says “I’ll be right back.” AND THEN HE LEAVES!

I should mention here that what is happening at the desk is that they give you a ticket and send you over to chairs to sit and wait for your turn. So, again, having an appointment buys you very little as it still does not mean you are going to get processed.

But I digress.

Zombie retard guy is gone for 15 minutes. I see him wandering around the rest of the DMV office. He randomly stops to chat with other co-workers. I think he went to the bathroom. He got some coffee.

Finally he returns and I prepare to tell him that, hey, I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT. You cannot make me wait in line with the rest of the unwashed masses. Okay, so I would never really say that, but I am still suffering from “appointment-having superiority complex” at this point so go with me here.

As I open my mouth to explain, he looks right at me and says “Sorry, I can’t give out any more tickets right now. I’ll come back when I can.”

AND THEN HE LEAVES AGAIN!

I do not get a chance to make sure I am in the right line or ask about forms or tell him my appointment-having status.

Now my line of appointment-people and the line of doom people are all just left standing there, slack-jawed in amazement. And then things begin to get ugly. There is muttering and then louder muttering and I’m sure there would’ve been torches and pitchfork if, you know, we’d had them handy.

Finally…30 minutes later!...a zombie retard chick walks up to the desk and she looks right at all of us and then ignores us. She staples some papers. She gets her purse out and puts on some chapstick and then checks herself in the mirror and then she goes and wanders around a bit and then finally comes back and asks “does anyone here have an appointment?”

YES! It’s my moment of triumph and so I (and about a dozen other people) all raise our hands and pretty much scream “I do! I do!”

At which point she looks very annoyed and says to all of us “okay, whoah, back off.” Listen, dorkface, YOU try standing in line for an hour while no one helps you and you are patently ignored when, dammit, you had an appointment!

She then says she can help “registration people only.” So all the people who are there to register title or pay their registration or whatever, get to jump the line. I’m still standing there, first in line, still not being helped.

Finally another DMV zomboid comes over and whispers in her ear and I guess maybe the planets have correctly aligned or something because they are now going to hand out driver’s license tickets.

Which means me.

Yay. Finally.

So the zombie retard chick looks at me and asks me for my paperwork. Whereupon I pull out my current license, my divorce judgment restoring my maiden name, and my new social security card with the name change on it.

And she says to me (in a voice that leaves no doubt that she thinks *I* am the zombie retard) “no, your PAPERWORK.”

Now, remember back when this all started that I looked everywhere for signs or a person to direct me to the correct forms and found nothing except the lines? Which led me to assume that one made one’s way up to the front of the line and was then directed to the correct forms (if any)?

Yeah, not so much.

So I tell her “What forms? I’ve been waiting in this line and there’s no one to answer any questions nor are there any signs directing anyone what to do.” She looks at me as if I’m a particularly dim-witted species of jellyfish and then turns to the room in general and yells out a name (which I didn’t catch) and lo and behold, it’s junior perv guy who was pulling all the young chickies out of line and ignoring the rest of us. He walks up and she asks him “how come this lady doesn’t have any forms?” Ah ha! HE was supposed to be working the lines and directing people, but was too distracted by 16-year-old butt cracks to do his friggin’ job.

Perv guy looks at me and then looks back at the chick behind the counter and (with a totally straight face) says “oh, she must’ve slipped by me.” Now, before I can flying tackle this guy and beat the crap out of him while screaming “SLIPPED BY YOU, MY ASS!” over and over, the chick nods wisely, says “yes, she must’ve slipped by you”, hands me some forms, tells me to fill them out and come back.

Yes, people, I have now waited 2 hours in line and accomplished exactly nothing.

But I have an appointment!

I get the forms filled out, take them back up to her and she gives me a ticket and tells me to go wait in the chair area. Great. I’m still in line, but at least I’m sitting down.

Ten minutes later I get called to a window, processed, photo taken (yay, no more FAT GIRL D/L photo!) and I’m outta there.

Two hours of bureaucratic stupidity for something that took ten minutes to accomplish.

Only at the DMV, folks.

But make sure you have an appointment. It really makes a difference.

KJ

P.S. The new D/L arrived in the mail this week and while my hair looks a bit funky, the picture does not suck at all. I was shocked, but pleased. As far as the state is concerned, Kelly Osborne is no more. I’m back to Morgan now and couldn’t be happier. I even made it to the bank this weekend to get the name on my account changed, new checks ordered and a new ATM card ordered. No more lame Ozzy jokes every time I pull out my card at a store. Woo hoo!