I am perfect...

...except, apparently, not so much.

I just discovered some major errors in yesterday's book review post. Does this make me a miscreant? (Ha! I got my bonus points!)

I seem to have fixed them. For now anyway - it took multiple attempts. Some days blogger just seems to want to be contrary for the heck of it all. Anyway, if you like books, you might want to re-read the post as there were several that were missing.


KJ

Fun with words

For no particular reason, I felt like looking some words up in the dictionary today. I had this urge to get my definition on (so to speak). And I was struck by what Mr. Webster has to say about one particular word.

And that word would be: DEADBEAT

Which the esteemed Mr. Webster defines in the following manner:

1. A person who deliberately avoids paying debts.

2. A loafer; sponger.

3. Being a parent who neglects parental responsibilities, esp. one who does not pay child support.

In fact, I was SO fascinated by this that I had to also Google what Mr. Roget has to say about synonyms for this word.

And that word would (again) be: DEADBEAT

Mr. Roget provides the following enlightening list of synonyms:

Freeloader

Delinquent

Criminal

Debtor

Defaulter

Loafer

Malefactor (ooh…good one)

Miscreant (another good one)

Punk (where’s Dirty Harry when you need him?)

Reprobate

Stiff

Welsher

Failure

Incompetent

Ne’er-do-well

No-good

Nobody

Underachiever

Washout

Turkey

Dud

Parasite

Leech

Fungus

Taker

I’m just sayin’ is all.

KJ

P.S. Bonus points to those who go out and use either “malefactor” or “miscreant” in a sentence today.

The drought is over!

Okay, so it hasn't rained enough here in So Cal this year, but at least some decent books are finally around and I’m getting caught up on the reading list so here’s the latest book review.

I came back from vacation to find the the latest (and first hardback) installment of the Rachel Morgan series “For a Few Demons More” by Kim Harrison (who obviously has a Clint Eastwood fetish when it comes to book titles which reminds me it’s about time for me to have my annual spaghetti western film festival…must go update my Netflix queue.) Fortunately for the author, but unfortunately for the rest of us, this series has gotten popular enough that this installment came out in hardback. I always have mixed feelings about this because I’m glad to know my favorite authors are successful enough to warrant a hardback release, but it means my book budget goes up some more and hardbacks are such a pain to fit into my purse to carry around. Paperbacks fit in so much more nicely, especially on days when I’m not carrying the state-of-Texas-sized giganto-purse.

None of which, of course, has anything to do with the actual book so let’s get to the review. Same cast of characters is back. Rachel still has the same impulse-control and adrenaline-junkie issues as always. She’s still tiptoeing around a possible relationship with Ivy the vampire. I have to admit I’m getting tired of the whole “will she give in to her secret lesbian desires” sub-plot that’s been going on through the whole darned series. Ms. Harrison needs to make a decision on this. Either make her a lesbian or don’t, but quit sitting on the fence because I’m sure I’m not the only one who has gotten to the point of no longer caring. Also, isn’t Rachel supposed to be a witch? I don’t think she cast an actual spell in the entire book. While there’s nothing terribly wrong with this book, it doesn’t seem like the series moved forward here. Despite the **warning – spoiler** exits of a couple of characters, everything seems pretty much in the same place it was at the beginning of the book. A major thread is left undone (presumably to keep our interest going for the NEXT book) and I’m starting to find Ceri a far more interesting character than Rachel (who never seems to learn anything from her mistakes).

After so much sameness, I decided to try something new with Diana Pharoah Francis’s “Path of Fate.” I really liked her twist on the tradition human/magical-animal-bonding story. What if an animal came to bond with someone who wasn’t particularly thrilled to be “chosen?” It was a great starting premise, but I thought it was resolved too quickly. There should have been more fallout from the initial rejection of the animal and it should’ve lasted longer. I found this book to be a bit simplistic (and unrealistic in certain areas). Although it was shelved in the main sci-fi/fantasy section, I can’t help wondering if maybe it was supposed to be in the YA section instead. It had that sort of feel to it. Still, there was enough good raw material there that I picked up the second installment in the series to see if the author makes any progress.

Then, of course, there’s the latest Dresden book “White Night.” Holy crap! Can Jim Butcher GET any better? I cannot believe the way each book is just better, funnier, more tightly plotted and more exciting than the last. I stayed up until 1:30 AM last night because I couldn’t put the darned thing down. If you’re a fan of the series, run, don’t walk, to pick up this book. If you’re not a fan…what on earth is WRONG with you? You can also go HERE to join in the letter-writing campaign to request another season of “The Dresden Files” on the Sci-Fi channel. While I’ll admit that the first episode or two were a bit lukewarm, the series definitely improved and got better each week. I thought the last two episodes were terrific and it’s absolutely worth bringing the show back for more.

Lastly, I devoured Jane Lindskold’s “Brother to Dragons, Companion to Owls” in practically one sitting. I’ve always been a big fan of her work – “Changer” and its sequel “Legends Walking” are two of my all-time favorites, but I’d never gotten around to picking up this book until recently. Lindskold was a protégé of the late, great, Roger Zelazny, and while her works are nothing like his, I still seem to detect a faint hint of a similar “tone” or style.

“Brother” chronicles the life of Sara, a young woman who has spent her entire life in mental institutions until one day she’s forced onto the street as a result of budget cuts. Unable to communicate in a normal fashion, Sara resorts to famous quotes from literature to get her point across. For anyone with a background in English or literature, this provides an extra layer of complexity. But Sara is more than just a kooky escapee from a nut farm – she possesses a special gift. It’s a gift that someone wants to find and make not-so-ethical use of. Also, this book IS available in paperback. Okay, so it’s a trade paperback, but still less expensive than a hardback version.

That’s where I left off and got some much needed sleep. I’m on almost continual mom-duty for the next 3 weeks so the pickings may be a bit slim around here. I know the jewelry pictures have been almost non-existent because I just haven’t had any time to make anything lately. I’ve got my fingers crossed about getting some stuff done on my lunch hour today.

And yes, I take jewelry projects to work on at lunch.

So what?

Perfectly normal.

Stop staring at me.

KJ

A Day at The Beach

Okay, I was going to title this entry “The Big Swell”, but I just knew that those of you out there with dirty minds would make something…ahem…dirty out of that so “A Day at the Beach” it is.

Remember back when I made my Resolutions for 2007 and one of them was to get down to the beach more often? Well, I’ve been making good on that by going for walks after work and on weekends at some of my favorite beaches when the weather allows.

All this got me to thinking about how much I love the beach and how I’ve always lived near it because Dad was in the Navy until 1970. Except for being born in Idaho Falls, ID (hey, don’t ask me why the Navy has its nuclear submarine training program there – they just DO), every state I’ve lived in (CT, VA, SC, HI, CA) we’ve lived at or near the beach and all of my earliest memories involve the ocean somehow. I still remember putting horseshoe crabs back in the water in Virginia Beach after some teenage vandals had turned them all upside down on the sand so they’d die.

Horshoe crab pics:

I remember watching the fishermen pull nets up onto the sand on that same beach and the day that a small shark bit one of the fishermen’s fingers off while we watched. I remember learning to body surf at Sandy Beach on Oahu and being the only girl surfer in the water at The Wedge on a red flag day when the waves were over 6’ high.

Back before Dad taught me to body surf, he was an original longboard surfer. He used to have a bright yellow board that we called “the big banana” (until it got stolen in Hawaii) and he was the one who turned me onto the classic surf movies such as “Endless Summer” and “Big Wednesday.” (By the way if you haven't seen this movie, can I just say...Jan Michael Vincent BEFORE he became a wacked out addict who nearly offed himself and ruined his face in a car crash).

In fact, “Big Wednesday” gives a great idea of the kind of swell that recently hit our beaches. A week or so ago, we had an unusually big swell for several days resulting in 10-12 foot waves. Unfortunately, due to work and other responsibilities, I wasn’t able to make it down to see the surf on those days, but I did go down on Saturday to see the results and holy cow was there a lot of stuff tossed up on the beach. I don’t remember ever seeing this amount of debris get up onto the sand. At Main Beach in Laguna, the city had collected most of the debris into a number of large piles that were each at least waist high and about the length of a school bus:

I took a few shots of some of the things I found:

Surf and Turf, anyone?

Giant turban snail:

Another turban snail, but this one was still occupied so I put it back in the water in the hopes of rescuing it. It moved off under its own power so I have hopes that the rescue was successful. Go, snail, go!

Yes, this is how I spend my days, people. I rescue giant snails because that’s just the kind of girl I am.

Also found this beautiful clam shell:

I was going to take this one home, but when I turned it over, I found it was still...partially...occupied. Ick. Oh well, guess the gulls have to eat, too.

The weather turned crappy later in the day after I left, but it was glorious the morning I was down there and the surf was still pretty decent:

Damn, but I love living in So Cal.

Confronting the past

So, we’re all tearing off that blanket of denial, right? Everyone will go about this in her own way, but for me, part of the process involved picking up the psychological flashlight and taking a stroll through the attic, the basement and even shining the beam over those dark corners that no one likes to go into because, y’know, cobwebs, and scuttling things and just ICK! Well, it’s time to hang some lights, give the place a good sweeping and dusting, knock down the cob webs and put out traps for anything that dares to scuttle or otherwise creep me out because the place better be ship-shape the next time I decide to poke around.

How did I get here? It’s not like I woke up one day and decided “hey, I think I’ll be fat for the next 15 years.” I wasn’t always overweight. In my early years, I was actually on the small side for my age. I was also a competitive swimmer until high school when I switched to dancing. I was in terrific shape and had abs you could bounce a quarter off of (literally – someone tried it so I know for sure). I weighed 116 lbs. when I left for college. Then, my knee went out towards the end of my freshman year at UCLA and that was the end of dancing for me. It even made walking to and from campus something I tried to avoid whenever possible by bumming rides from friends with mopeds, etc. so I put on a few pounds that way, but I was still about 120-122 which is better than acceptable for someone 5’5” and with my curves.

I think the real problem began my sophomore year when I started to struggle with an ever-deepening depression (except I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time) and it really affected my sleeping habits, my energy level and my eating habits.

Ah yes, my eating habits. Never stellar to begin with – I pretty much loathed and avoided most fruits and all vegetables since I was a kid. My poor mom tried everything to change this. I remember many a night being the last one left sitting at the dinner table, in the dark, long after the rest of the family had gone upstairs and mom had finished cleaning the kitchen. Just sitting there. Me and my plate of vegetables that I refused to eat. Eventually, mom would cave in and come get me. I remember lunches where I poured my Campbell’s alphabet soup (which is essentially vegetable soup w/ letters in it) little by little into my brother’s bowl (sorry, Mark) whenever my mom wasn’t looking. I also dumped my raisins into his cup of milk (sorry again, Mark) to hide them. I fed vegetables to the dog under the table (in my defense, he didn’t like them, either, and would hork them back up later on the shag rug) or spit them into my napkin and then excuse myself to go to the bathroom where I’d dump my napkin out into the toilet and flush the vegetables good-bye.

So, when I got to college, it was like “finally, I am FREE from the tyranny of fruits and vegetables and shall never again be forced to eat them against my will!” Hey, don’t judge. Most college kids make stupid decisions when they get out on their own. Mine just didn’t happen to involve drugs or alcohol (except that one time in Santa Barbara at the I.S.V.T. that…okay SOME things you SHOULD remain in denial about). And, in my infinite “I’ve graduated from high school and am therefore all-knowing and mistress of the universe”-ness, what did I replace fruits and veggies with? Well, sugar and fat, of course. Oh, and mashed potatoes. Must not forget the mashed potatoes of which I could eat gallons especially if they are smothered in butter and gravy. I once survived an entire finals week on nothing but Diet Coke and mashed potatoes, but that’s another blog entry.

So, suffice to say, that between the depression, the sleeplessness, the bad eating and various other things, I got up to 130 lbs. by the end of sophomore year. Still, this was not a disaster by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I’m sure at that point that no one but me even noticed the change because a curvy figure can hide a lot more “fluff” than a stick-straight one.

Then came my junior year when I moved into the sorority house to live. HELLO, body image issues! Big time! But I’ve done enough “demons of the past” confronting for today so we’ll save that for another entry.

KJ

Latest Book Review

Finding time to read has been a bit tough lately…hence the long lag time between reviews. Never thought I would get to a place in my life where I didn’t devour at least 3-4 books a week, but looks like I’m there. Still, thanks to a week of vacation, I’ve gotten caught up a bit on the “to be read” pile so here are the reviews.

First up is Mark Del Franco’s “Unshapely Things.” It’s a bit “Harry Dresden Lite” (does EVERYONE have to be a private investigator?), but there are a couple of changes that make it interesting enough to stand on its own. Whereas Harry is very powerful, but has a hard time with his personal life, Del Franco’s main character USED to have it all. Power, wealth, fame, etc. Then he lost everything courtesy of a magical accident. Now he’s sort of like a has-been rock-star…can’t get into clubs that used to keep an entire room reserved for him and can’t perform more than a basic protection spell. Also different here is the status of the otherworldly creatures. They are, with a few exceptions, the down-and-out denizens of a magic-laden ghetto. When they become the targets of a serial killer, neither the magical authorities nor the mundane police seem to much care. Enter our hero who, despite his fallen status, still considers his non-human “kin” to be worth saving. While there are some definite “first novel” issues, this could shape up into a decent series as the writer becomes more practiced and if he is able to further differentiate his characters and world from the Dresden books

Side note: The Dresden Files TV series on SciFi is definitely improving. Each episode has been better than the last and I have a serious crush on Paul Blackthorne (the actor who plays Harry). Still not crazy about the guy playing Bob – he looks so damn mournful all the time – but he’s starting to bother me less. Anyway, it’s definitely worth checking out if you haven’t already. Wish I could say the same for Lifetime’s take on Tanya Huff’s “Vicky Nelson” series. I didn’t even know they’d made those books into a show until I accidentally stumbled across it while channel surfing one night a few weeks ago. Always a bad sign when there’s no pre-premiere publicity. The only good thing I can say about it is that the guy playing Henry Fitzroy is H-O-T. Too bad he can’t act his way out of a paper bag. He also seems like he’s trying to suppress (not always successfully) a major surfer-boy accent. Like, dude, I’m like a total vampire. Sweet. Yeah, just how I’d expect a son of Henry the VIIIth to talk. The guy playing Mike Celucci is WAY too good-looking to be a cop. The gal playing Vicki is decent, but somehow I think of Vicki as being more hard-nosed and pissed-off or something. Plus, I wonder how Ms. Huff feels about Lifetime scrubbing even the merest HINT of homosexuality (a MAJOR part of the book series) out of the TV show. Tony’s not even in it for heaven’s sake and Henry is suddenly all-hetero-all-the-time. Anyway, I suppose it’s worth checking out for the eye candy quotient, but there’s not much else there.

So, back to the books.

Y’all know how I feel about Linnea Sinclair so I was really excited to pick up her latest book, “Games of Command.” It’s good, but it’s definitely not my favorite of her works so far (that would be “Finders, Keepers”). I kept having the feeling that I’d been dropped into the second novel in a series and maybe that’s the case, but none of my searches have turned up an earlier book featuring these same characters. Maybe there were short stories or unpublished pieces? I dunno, but it sure seems like a lot happened off stage to lead up to this story and I was frustrated that I didn’t get to read THAT part. As always in a Sinclair book, the romance, characters and the pacing of the action are top notch. I could’ve done with a bit less furzel-talk (cuteness overload) and there was, for me, a rather jarring plot twist about halfway through the book that had me going “what the ___?” for a bit, but those are my de rigueur nitpicks and shouldn’t deter anyone from buying and enjoying the book. I’m looking forward to her next book which has the fun and interesting title of “The Down-Home Zombie Blues.”

Next comes “Nylon Angel”, the first in the Parrish Plessis series. Usually, I kind of enjoy a good cyberpunk novel, but while the world background in this book is interesting, about halfway through it I realized I didn’t give a rat’s ass about the character or whether she made it through or not. And the whole alien virus thing seems like a weird addition that got tacked on and doesn’t really belong. I bought the second novel in the series at the same time I bought the first book, but I doubt I’ll read it. I’m looking for the receipt to take it back.

Fortunately, Carrie Vaughn’s “Kitty Takes a Holiday”, the third installment in the Kitty the Werewolf series, was a good way to recover from the whole Parrish Plessis debacle. I usually find that series tend to get weaker as they go along, but this one keeps getting better. Despite the use of the incredibly tired “skinwalker” device (seriously, people, there ARE other mythologies in the world…go plunder one of those for your ideas and spare us the umpty-zillionth re-tread on this one), I really enjoyed this book. Vaughn takes a risk by having a main character undergo a major and permanent change which completely alters the dynamic between him and Kitty and between Kitty and another prominent character. It’s nice to see a storyline really moving forward and evolving. I look forward to seeing where Kitty goes next.

You guys know what happens when I venture out and try a new author, right? It’s almost never good. And this time, I just got sucked in by the incredible cover art for Alan Campbell’s “Scar Night.” Too bad the book doesn’t live up to the picture on the outside. Despite starting out with a fascinating premise of a city built entirely on chains and suspended over a seemingly bottomless abyss, Campbell fails to deliver with his characters. It’s a shame. I hate it when a great world goes to waste. I gave up and didn’t finish the book because I got tired of waiting to care about these people.

And that’s when the vacation ended. At least I had the new Kim Harrison book to look forward to when I got home. Still reading it so the review will have to wait until next time.

KJ

10 Reasons Why Vacation Rocks...

10. No stupid alarm clock blaring an obnoxious DJ voice right into the middle of that great dream where Hugh Laurie and I are…well, never mind about that, but seriously, TOTAL buzz kill.

9. Abundant sunshine, a pool within walking distance and my new green bikini.

8. Tony, the so-cute poolside bar tender who makes a mean Pina Colada.

7. African fennecs (world’s smallest fox species) at the zoo:

6. The kestrel that flew onto a tree branch mere inches from my head and hung out long enough for me to show him to the kidlet.

5. Naps.

4. White-chocolate-covered cheesecake lollipops w/ raspberry sauce. OH. MY. GOD. These were seriously the best dessert EVER.

3. Getting to re-order the cheesecake lollipops for dessert again another night in order to experience their awesomeness for a second time.

2. Finding and using the hotel gym for the first time in my life.

1. And the number 1 reason my vacation rocked? Finding THE shoe bargain of the century – 2 pairs of Kate Spade shoes on sale for $99!

A funny thing happened on the way to the cafeteria...

Well, actually, it happened IN the cafeteria. In the lunch line. In front of many, many witnesses. Public humiliation – these are the moments that make life worthwhile. Except not so much.

Let me set the scene.

I work in a 15 story building that is part of a sprawling complex of connected office buildings. On the first floor, buried in the center of the maze that is the entire complex, is a cafeteria. Except it’s not just any old cafeteria. It’s more like the biggest mall food court you could possibly imagine. There’s a grill station, an Italian station (including little pizza boxes for your own personal pizza), a Chinese station, a HUGE salad bar, a made-to-order sandwich station, a giant bar of breads and desserts, a huge soup selection, several frozen yogurt machines and various and sundry other little stands and shelves of fruit, chips, jello, cheeses, hard-boiled eggs and well, just about every food you could possibly imagine.

Then there’s my favorite – the toss-to-order salad station. They have a Chinese Chicken Salad with sesame dressing that is awesome. Normally, I go over there, pick up a CC Salad package, hand it to Francisco (the designated tosser of salad) and he tosses it all up for me with the dressing and other accoutrements. The only downside to this is (as I learned on a previous occasion) that if you go get your salad tossed, but then don’t get to eat it right away because you return to your desk to maybe find out that there was a meeting you completely forgot about which proceeded to suck up 2 hours of your time and when you finally escaped and went to eat your lovely salad, you found that it had become a wilted pile of mush with melted, no-longer-crisp wonton chips on top. And since, of course, the wonton chips are the best part of the salad, the whole thing was ruined.

So, lesson learned. Do not put the dressing on the salad unless you can eat it right away. Oh, and also, maybe remember to calendar your meetings in Outlook with reminders so you don’t space out and forget about them.

This brings me to the day in question during which I had a busy morning that ran into the lunch hour so when I finally got a break I realized I only had 15 minutes to run get my lunch before heading into a 12:30 meeting.

Which leads one to ask WHY do people schedule meetings at lunch time? Don’t they know I get cranky when my blood sugar is in the basement?

But I digress (as usual).

Having learned my lesson about the wilted salad, I formulated a cunning plan to avoid the soggy wonton chip issue. I would pick up the salad package and then ask Francisco to give me a couple of the little “to go” containers of dressing. I’d go to the meeting and then toss the salad myself at my desk afterwards. I love a perfect plan. It’s when the Universe doesn’t cooperate that I run into trouble.

All went as planned until I was in the cashier line. I successfully maneuvered through the payment process when I realized they had “to go” plastic bags at the end of the line. “Ah ha!” I thought. “I shall ease the burden of carrying the salad and dressing containers all the way back up to the fifth floor by making use of these thoughtfully-provided carrying devices.” I was reaching to put my lunch in the bag when disaster struck!

One of the containers of dressing rolled off of its (admittedly precarious) perch on top of the salad container and fell in what seemed like slow motion to the floor. Whereupon it (of course) burst open and spilled sesame dressing all over the floor, my new 9 West black stiletto pumps and my foot. Had my hands been free, I might’ve tried to catch the stupid thing, but I had a bag in one hand and a salad container and another container of dressing in the other hand so I was forced to watch helplessly as the event unfolded. I even knew before the container hit the ground that the damn lid was going to come off.

What I did not anticipate (having never felt it before) was the awful sensation of cold, oily dressing dripping down inside my shoe.

Oh, and did I mention this was the height of the lunch rush so there were like 20 people in line behind me and probably 200 or more seated in the cafeteria as a whole and if any of them managed to miss the initial “splat!” they certainly didn’t miss the cafeteria staff yelling at the top of their lungs “Spill! Spill! Hurry and get towels and a mop because this stupid gringo girl just spilled sesame dressing all over the floor and down her shoe!” At least, that’s what I assume they were screaming. It was in Spanish. I’m sure at least the “stupid gringo” part is correct.

Meanwhile, I’m still standing there, frozen, with my salad in one hand and bag in the other and thinking “Oh God, there is dressing in my SHOE!” Of course, they brought enough towels to clean up the floor, but not enough for me to clean up my foot or my shoe. Plus, there are still 20 some people in line behind me who, now that they have recovered from laughing their asses off, are starting to get pissed because I’m in the way of the line moving forward and really, how could I stand there and take my shoe off and try to clean off my bare foot and continue blocking the line and, well, this is California and we shoot people for holding up traffic.

So I know I have to get out of there.

And there is no bathroom on the first floor.

And it’s LITERALLY a quarter-mile trek back to the elevators to get back to my office where there IS a bathroom.

Yes, I walked a quarter-mile in salad-dressing-filled stilettos back to the damn elevator while carrying my salad (that I so didn’t want to eat any more) and feeling my left toes go “squish” with every step.

I ride the elevator back up to my office and go to my desk to put my food down. Because even though I’m probably not going to eat it now, I am sooo not taking food into the bathroom. Because, you know, that’s just gross.

Then I finally make it to the bathroom. Take off my shoe and wash my foot off (all the while PRAYING that none of my co-workers are going to come in and ask me why the hell I’ve got my foot propped on the edge of the sink. Next step is to try to get the dressing out of my shoe with damp paper towels while at the same time not ruining the leather. Assuming, of course, that the salad dressing didn’t already take care of the whole ruination thing. That’s when I realize there’s dressing all over the bottom 3” of my new black trousers. Swell.

Now, I’m late for my meeting so I have to put my still-slightly-damp shoe back on my not-quite-dry-yet foot and race to the conference room where I spend the next hour hoping that no one else notices that I reek of sesame dressing.

I am nothing if not the epitome of grace and style.

Less talk, more pictures

I promised not to be "all weight loss all the time" and yesterday's entry WAS a bit wordy...even for me. So, shutting up now and just posting cute bead pictures. These are some recent ebay auction wins:



The picture doesn't show it that well, but there are hidden depths of glittery turquoise sparkles in these beads when viewed in real life. And yes, they ARE as yummy as they look.


And then there are the cute fish beads:





I have no idea what I'm going to do with them, but every time this seller lists these beads, I end up buying more because I am obsessed with them. Maybe because they remind of that time that I OD'd on the Victoria's Secret Lip Plumper Lip Gloss?


KJ

The Kelly Plan - Step 1

Step 1: No More Denial

I’ve learned a lot on this weight loss journey that I’ve been on, but if I had to pick the number one most important thing that’s allowed me to succeed it would be this:

Weight loss and denial are two diametrically opposed forces.

Can’t have ‘em both. They can’t occupy the same space. Sort of like matter and anti-matter.

Now, when I say “denial”, I don’t mean that I was unaware that I was overweight. I do own mirrors. Several of them. But, since I wasn’t ALWAYS fat, somewhere along the way I developed the ability to ignore the fact that I was getting bigger and bigger.

Well, mostly ignore. Every once in a while reality would crash down, I’d feel like crap, I’d resolve to do something about it, I’d fail, I’d feel like crap again. I couldn’t stand that crappy feeling so I’d go back into denial to escape from it. Denial was a defense mechanism for me that kept me buffered from dealing with my problem or the pain it was causing me in any real or meaningful way.

I think anyone who has a weight problem (and no, I’m not talking about those skinny bitches who are always complaining about needing to lose 10 lbs. when what they really need to do is EAT SOMETHING once in a while) has probably fallen into this trap. Otherwise, we’d have successfully stopped the weight from piling on years ago, right? But it’s easy to ignore a few pounds here and there until one morning you wake up and now you’ve got what seems to be an insurmountable amount of weight to lose.

Do any of these sound familiar:

“Okay, so I’m not as skinny as I was in high school. Who is?”

“Yeah, I could lose some weight, but I don’t look THAT bad.”

“I’m already fat so who cares if I eat this cookie/piece of cake/entire carton of ice cream?”

So, how do you get off the denial roller coaster? Personally, I think it takes something big. Something life-altering. Because, again, if it was easy, we’d have done it already. I firmly believe it’s not a matter of will power. Everyone has will power – otherwise none of us would get out of bed in the morning when the alarm clock goes off. But will power is too weak to stand up to a problem this big.

What is this “something big?” I know what mine was, but I suspect it will be different for everyone. However, since this is MY plan, we’ll go with what worked for me. It started small…with a simple prayer: “God, please help me lose weight.”

Let me tell you, be careful what you pray for because prayer? It’s some pretty powerful stuff. I just thought I was asking for some help not taking a second (or third) doughnut on Friday mornings. What I didn’t realize (because of that lovely down comforter of denial) was that God had a plan for my life. He wanted it to be better than it was. Happier. More fulfilling. And, as a side benefit of all those things I’d get weight loss, too. But, to make all that happen, he had to get rid of all the things that weren’t working. Which was pretty much my whole entire life. Emotionally abusive husband? Gone. Depressingly dead marriage. Outta here. Dead-end, boring-as-hell job which gave me plenty of free time and incentive to stuff my face? History.

In other words, my entire life was standing in the way of me losing weight and being healthy and happy. So, my entire life had to go. Which it did.

And it was painful.

And it sucked. Big time.

And normally, it would have been grounds for me to gain another 20 (okay 50) lbs. But when everything gets completely stripped away like that and you’re left with only yourself and your faith in God, it gets pretty hard to keep that blanket of denial over your head. I finally was forced to sit up, take a good look around and deal with what I saw.

Now, am I suggesting that you jettison your entire life or go run join your local church before lunch time? Nope. I AM saying that it’s time to open your eyes, take a look around and figure out what in your life is working or not working for you. What is contributing to your weight problem? What are you going to have to do to make that mental change that will finally allow you to succeed THIS time?

I know not everyone is going to want to hear this, but for me, it was my faith. As things began to crumble around me, I prayed to God like I’ve never prayed before. I told him that I was powerless in trying to overcome my weight problem. I’d tried and failed so many times and I was terrified to go through that again. My marriage was hanging by a thread, I had a toddler to raise, the X had ruined us financially, I’d just lost both my grandmothers in less than a month and I didn’t really see how I could possibly attempt another diet right then.

So I asked God to take the burden on for me. I suppose this is sort of like the first step in a 12-step program where you admit you’re powerless over whatever your problem is and that you need help to overcome it. Frankly, I cannot imagine having achieved a 75 lb. weight loss without His help. I’m just not that strong and I couldn’t have made the attitude adjustment or the life changes I needed to make without Him directing everything according to his plan.

So, after all that meandering drivel, what actions do you need to take for Step 1?

There are two. First part is to take a good long look in the spiritual/emotional mirror and face up to whatever you find there. If you’re a person of faith, enlist God’s help with making these changes in your life.

Some suggested areas to look at:

Is there something wrong in your life that needs to be dealt with? Job problems, marital problems, an ailing parent, etc.? Start looking for resources to help you tackle this area and get it under control.

Do you have health issues that could be contributing to your weight? Seek out the right doctors and don’t take no for an answer until you get results. I’ll talk more about this one in an upcoming entry.

Do you have a good support system in place? People who will help you with items 1 & 2 above and be there for you during the process and not sabotage you?

What’s your ultimate goal? Is it realistic? We can’t all be a size 0, you know, and it’s time to just admit it. Is your weight issue genetic? You might have to work harder or have more modest goals if that’s the case. Same if you are extremely overweight. Maybe in that case, any weight loss is a supreme accomplishment and you might want to make your goal more about being healthier, living longer, cleaning up your diet, etc. That’s where I started (because, you know, exercise is yucky!) and I lost my first 30 lbs. JUST by cleaning up my eating habits a LITTLE bit. More on that later.

What’s your lifestyle like? Are you a bona fide couch potato (like me)? How will you get around that? Maybe you’re an overscheduled, stressed out, go-getter and you need to consider slowing down or simplifying some things to make room for exercise. Or, you need to plan healthy eating strategies for when you’re on the go. McDonald’s doesn’t count.

What motivates you? And no, chocolate is not an acceptable answer. Do you want to sleep better? Live longer for your kids? Those are a couple of mine, but if you’ve read anywhere else in this column, you know fashion played a huge role for me, too.

Second action is…and please try not to hate me here…buy a scale if you don’t already have one. Get on it and deal with what it says. And, yeah, I know, it sucks. I was firmly convinced for years that having a scale and weighing myself daily or weekly would only make me feel worse about myself and therefore stymie any attempts at weight loss. But, in the end, I found avoiding that number only helped me stay deeper in denial. After all, if I wasn’t sure exactly how much I weighed, then I couldn’t be THAT overweight, right? In fact, I convinced myself that as long as I was under 200 lbs., I was okay. And of course, I HAD to be under 200 lbs because how I could I possibly weigh over 200 lbs.? Just not possible.

Until the day I stepped on that scale and it read 225. Even now, I hate admitting that number in public, but I’m doing it so you know that A. I can take my own medicine (no more denial!) and B. So that you know I wasn’t just a “few lbs.” overweight and that if I can get down from that level, ANYONE can do this!

Now I get on the scale every morning and I even have this nifty Excel chart I made up to track my numbers. Because that’s just how I roll, yo. I like to chart things into nice, neat little categories. I am somewhat of a freak, but then, if you’ve been reading this blog, you already knew that so let’s move on, m’kay?

I’m not saying you have to do this daily – maybe a weekly weigh in is better for you. I am saying that accurate information is necessary for ME to keep myself from falling back into denial. It also helps me stay on track each day – if I’m on a downward trend, I can have that extra cookie today or at least recognize that if I eat that extra cookie, it means an extra 20 minutes at the gym that night. And hey, sometimes I choose to eat the cookie. Sometimes I don’t. The point is, I’m making an informed choice. I know what the consequences of that choice are going to be. Before I put that cookie into my mouth I can ask myself “is this something that is moving me closer to my goal or farther away?”

The scale also helps me identify when I hit plateaus and need to think about tweaking my food/exercise regimen again because my body has adapted to what I’ve been doing. I think plateaus are the main obstacle to sticking with a food/exercise life change. It’s easy to stay motivated when you’re seeing real progress. It gets a lot more frustrating when that progress grinds to a halt and you start to ask yourself “okay, tell me again WHY I’m working out 3 nights a week if it’s not doing anything.” Therefore, being able to recognize a plateau and take steps to overcome it is a hugely important part of making a permanent change.

One suggestion I have for not letting the scale become more than an information-gathering tool is to not make your ultimate goal be a particular weight or even a certain number of pounds lost. Make your goal about being healthier, having more energy or, if you must have something specific, pick a (realistic) clothing size. My first goal when I started out was to just clean up my life and be able to sleep better at night and have more energy in the daytime. After that, my goal was to not be limited to shopping only in plus-size clothing stores. I didn’t even have a particular size in mind – I just wanted to buy clothes somewhere other than Lane Bryant.

I’m probably coming off like one of those reformed smokers who is on a campaign to make EVERYONE quit smoking. That’s not my intention. I just think that I can’t be the only person struggling with these issues and we all have a duty to help inspire and support one another.

Even if you decide you’re ultimately happy with where you are (and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as you’re being honest with yourself and your physical health is good – no diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.), I think a good life inventory on occasion is never a bad thing.

In the next entry on this topic, I’ll go a bit more into how I got to be overweight in the first place, the emotional and body image issues that played a part and the underlying medical problems that also contributed. I think it’s important to recognize that weight is SO not about will power or having a sweet tooth.

Maybe some of my personal issues will strike a chord with someone and help them take a step on the path toward health. Because while the weight loss is a terrific side effect, that’s not what it’s all about.

KJ

P.S. Yes, posts on other, non-diet-related topics are forthcoming. But I just got back from a week of vacation (hence the lack of recent posts) and this is what I had ready to go. So, this is what you're getting.

The Kelly Diet

Or

How a lazy-ass donut addict lost 71.5 lbs (so far).

I’ve been receiving lots of compliments on how much better I look since the weight loss. Which is nice. However, it's not something I’d normally mention because it seems like bragging, but I bring it up because the compliments are inevitably followed by this exchange:

Random Complimenter: “How much have you lost?”

Me: “71.5 lbs. so far and working on another 13 to go”

RC: “Wow! Ohmygoshhowdidyoudoitwhatplandidyoufollow? Tellmetellmetellme!”

Me: “Uh, well, y’see, my husband left me for another woman and…”

Awkard silence.

This keeps happening so I’ve started to think that maybe I need to come up with a better response. That’s tough, though because it’s not like I can just say “Weight Watchers” or “Atkins” or whatever. I've sort of made up my own thing as I’ve gone along and for whatever reason, it’s worked. Now, I don’t have anything against all those other diets. I’ve tried just about all of ‘em myself and many of them have good points. I think Weight Watchers teaches great portion control and how to keep a healthy balance in your diet. I think the low/no-carb Atkins philosophy has a point about an excess of carbs being a problem when dieting.

But the big thing I learned from all of these various regimens is that I COULDN’T STAY ON THEM SO THE WEIGHT CAME BACK.

Let me say that again.

I COULDN’T STAY ON THEM SO THE WEIGHT CAME BACK.

So, it became obvious that I needed to create a regimen that I would be able to stick to for life. Not only is yo-yo dieting bad for you (because we all know you never just gain back the amount you lost – you always gain 10-20 on top of that) but I was no longer willing to accept failure as an option.

Now, I’d love to say that I was immediately struck by a brilliant, inspired and complete diet plan which I put into action and followed religiously from the moment I thought of it.

Those of you that know me well should please stop laughing and pick yourselves up off the floor.

Didn’t quite happen that way. It’s been more of a process that’s evolved over the past year and a half. I thought I’d document it, though, because maybe someone else can find some or all of it useful.

And, okay, I’m a teensy weensy bit proud of my achievement, too.

Basically, I can boil my philosophy down to 3 steps (remember, I’m going for that pithy response for when people ask me questions that doesn't involve me saying "okay, first thing you do is get your husband to dump you for someone else" because call me crazy, but I don't think many women are going to be able to stick to THAT plan.)

STEP ONE: No More Denial.

STEP TWO: Change your eating habits (notice I didn’t say “eat less”).

STEP THREE: Exercise more.

Yeah, I know. Step 3 bites the big one, but there’s just no getting around it (see step one about no more denial). However, you don’t have to worry about it now because we’re going to put it off as long as possible. Something I’m sure we all excel it because, let’s be honest, if we were brimming-with-energy-go-getters-who-love-to-exercise-all-day-long, we wouldn’t need to lose weight in the first place, right?

I’ll break the steps down in more detail in future entries. I’m going to sprinkle this stuff in occasionally amongst other topics because life is NOT all about weight loss. I’ve got other good stuff coming up – bead pics, beach pics, a book review, etc.

KJ

This weekend was on fire, y'all!

Wow, it was a gorgeous weekend here! Mid-80’s on Saturday and mid-90’s on Sunday. Don’t believe me? Here’s the proof:

And, of course, being So Cal, when the mercury gets above 80 degrees, we have to catch on fire. Here are photos of one of the two fires that broke out over the weekend (as taken from the top of the parking structure at the Irvine Spectrum).

To avoid the heat and smoke, I spent some time shopping at the Spectrum (got some great sale stuff at Ann Taylor Loft – finally being able to shop in “normal size” stores so totally rocks!) and then I went down to Laguna Beach with a friend and we just walked and walked and walked on the beach. It was so gorgeous. My pedometer says we did 3.5 miles and burned 500 calories.

So, of course, then we went out to dinner. I was good, though. Just had a salad w/ grilled shrimp and no dessert (despite the fact that we were at a French bakery-type place and the waiters kept going by with this unbelievable dessert tray). Good thing we were sitting out on the balcony overlooking the ocean so I had that fabulous sunset view to distract me. In fact, I was so distracted, I forgot to take a picture, but it’s one of my goals to get down to the beach more often this year so I’m sure I’ll be able to post a picture another time.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

KJ

I need sleep!

I have two things to say:

1. I need to find whoever had the brilliant idea of extending daylight savings time and kill them. A lot. In slow painful ways possibly involving iron maidens, the rack or being thrown to sharks. And yeah, okay, I know it’s supposed to be all energy-saving and good for the planet and stuff, but is that really going to matter a whole hell of a lot when I am up on a clocktower with a high-powered rifle taking aim at people because I’ve gone psychotic from sleep deprivation and too much Diet Coke which I will have downed by the gallon in the vain attempt to compensate for actual sleep? Isn’t it enough that I’m awakened on the weekends at 6 AM by a 4 year old yelling “Mom, I pooped” from the bathroom across the hall? Now, this has to happen at 5 AM because of some stupid law that some stupid greenie Congressman passed? Ed Begley, Jr. is behind this somehow, I’m sure of it. Well, I’m coming for you Begley. I’m coming for you and I’m high on 27 Diet Cokes so you’d better watch out! Y’know, if we’d just build more nuclear power plants, we could all get some freakin’ sleep!

2. On a completely unrelated topic, I have finally found THE perfect pair of pants. The waist is neither too high nor too low. They are not pleated (hate you pleated pants! you are evil and must be stopped!). They do not have tapered legs and therefore they do not make you look like an ice cream cone with feet when you wear them. They’re cotton with a touch of stretch which is just about the most perfect fabric combo EVER. They come in petite and plus sizes and three different lengths. In fact, I liked them so much that I bought one pair in “ankle” length to wear with flats and one pair in “regular” length to wear with heels. They even come in a “curvy” version for those with a little more “junk in the trunk” than the rest of us. LOVE YOU Gap “clean stretch cotton” pants.

Now, don’t you feel lucky to be privy to the inner workings of my (perhaps slightly crazy) brain? Because this is what I live with every day, people, thought processes that careen randomly from one totally unrelated topic to another. NOW do you see why this whole extra Daylight Savings thing is a BIG mistake? Big. Huge even.

You’ve been warned.

KJ

P.S. People, please stop buying pleated pants. I’m begging you. Also, no more tapered pants unless you are Nicole Richie who, as a walking skeleton, is perhaps the only human being who can get away with them. And pants that are pleated AND tapered? Run. Fast. You should possibly be screaming in horror while doing this.

P.P.S. Not sure if your pants are tapered? It is getting hard to tell what with some designers calling things “straight leg” which are actually tapered and calling things “boot cut” which are actually straight leg. So, an easy test. Take the leg of the pant and flip it up in half so that the hem hits about where the knee is. If the bottom of the pant is narrower than the knee area, you’ve got tapered pants. Put them down and walk away (except for you, Nicole, you can go ahead if you want to, but also grab yourself some cheesecake or something because you’re scaring everyone, m’kay?) If it’s equal to the knee, you’ve got a straight leg pant. If it’s SLIGHTLY wider than the knee, it’s a boot cut. If it’s lots wider, then it’s a flare leg. Note that flare legs are NOT necessarily the same as wide legs.

Insert witty and snazzy title here.

It’s Friday so it must be book review day (occasionally, anyway). Oh, and bead picture day. But more about that later.

Here are the books:

1. “Bedlam’s Edge” – Mercedes Lackey, et al. I used to really like this series when I was younger, but I think I’ve outgrown it. It’s very “teen” reading to me now. I know – I’m older than dirt. Still, I thought it would be interesting to read an anthology set in that universe and see what other writers have made of it. I think if you’re not a fan of the “Bedlam” or “SERRated Edge” series, it’s probably not worth bothering with. If you are a fan, the stories are okay. Not fabulous, but not bad either. There’s an interesting note at the back that gives the history behind the genesis of the series that long-time fans will appreciate.

2. “Light My Fire” – Katie McAlister. Yes, it’s romance and yes, my usual bitching about the over-the-top sex scenes applies. Oh, and also, the heroine is dumb as a box of rocks (of course) and yet there’s so much funny, crazy stuff going on and the dialogue is so snappy and humorous, that I’ve become a big fan of this series. The exchanges between Aisling and her demon-dog, Jim, are worth the purchase price alone.

3. “The Smoke Thief” – Shana Abe. Great background and interesting set up completely ruined by typical romance-genre crap (i.e. the high-handed jerk of a hero to whom the formerly smart, but now completely helpless heroine is hopelessly attracted despite hating, no wait, loving, no wait, hating his guts). Too bad. It had promise.

4. “Blood Bound” – Patricia Briggs. I will read ANYTHING that Briggs writes. She knows how to spin a good yarn and this second installment in the series is a significant improvement over the first book (which was good, don’t get me wrong, but this one is better). I really like the way she’s infused the getting-really-overdone-and-tired urban vampire/werewolf story with the Coyote mythology. She’s perfectly captured the contrariness and inclination to trickery that is the epitome of that particular archetype. Don’t know about Coyote the Trickster? May I suggest Google?

5. “My Big, Fat, Supernatural Wedding” – Edited by P.N. Elrod. I’ve been really disappointed in anthologies lately. Seems like ever since MZB died, no one’s been doing a very good job with them. This book was a terrific exception. For one thing, there isn’t a clunker of a story in the entire bunch and that’s VERY rare. For another, the quality of authors who contributed is much higher than usual. Normally, you might get 1-2 big names and the rest are unknowns (and after you read their stories, you realize WHY they are still unknowns). But this book gives us P.N. Elrod herself, Jim Butcher (yay, a Dresden story to tide me over until “White Knight” comes out), Charlaine Harris, Sherrilyn Kenyon, Rachel Caine, L.A. Banks (whose regular books I think are crap, but they’re very popular and her story in this book is actually quite good). This was definitely a lot of fun to read.

6. “Blood and Iron” – Elizabeth Bear. Get ready to Google again, big time. Because if you don’t have a very thorough knowledge of Celtic mythology, the Arthurian cycle, the Sidhe, the ballad of “Tam Lin” and various other bits of fantastical and arcane knowledge, you are going to be hopelessly lost in this book. Heck, I know all that stuff like the back of my hand and even I was scratching my head at times going “huh?” Some of the dialogue exchanges, in particular, were beyond obscure. On the other hand, I suppose that is to be expected when dealing with the Daoine Sidhe – in fact it’s one of their claims to fame. Despite the confusion, though, this was an excellent book. I loved the kelpie (one of those things you’ll need to Google if you don’t know what it is) and its relationship with Elaine. I thought the werewolves (do they have to be in EVERY single story now?) and the Prometheans seemed extraneous to the story which should have focused more closely on Elaine.

Okay, on to the bead pictures. I hit a local show a couple of weeks ago and picked up some new and unusual trinkets. I got a great deal on these faceted cubic zirconia briolettes:


Look at those colors! Let me assure you they are even prettier in real life. I already have designs planned for them and can’t wait to get the time to sit down and get going on them.

Then, I ran into a fused glass artist that I had last seen at the L.A. Gift Show. My friend Laura and I bought quite a bit of stuff from him and I guess he remembered me because he gave me a super deal on these small pendants and even threw in a freebie – the pretty green/blue/purple square in the center.


By the way, the scan on these sucks. They look very dull and grayed-out. In real life, they are brilliant with color and sparkle.

Then I hit a couple of my favorite metal vendors. Got a mess o’ heart sterling silver heart charms for a design I’ve been planning for a long time. Oh, he had some fleur-de-lis charms, too, so I got some of those for my mom as it’s the symbol of her sorority – Kappa Kappa Gamma. She’s wanted me to make something for her forever and now I have the materials.


Also got these pretty hammered components in both sterling silver and gold. I just got a few to try out, but if they work out the way I hope, I’ll be getting a lot more.


Lastly, here’s a picture of the most unique thing I found at the show (which is saying a lot because I’ve been to so many of them that virtually NOTHING is new any more):


Aren’t these treated copper beads and clasps SO pretty? I especially like the swallows – VERY So Cal.

Everyone have a great weekend. It is supposed to be sunny and warm and in the upper 80’s here all weekend so I am going to the beach. In March. Woohoo!

KJ

Holy Running Machine, Batman!

I have an announcement to make.

Last night, I ran.

That’s right, you heard me. I RAN! As in running, to run, ran, people. In case you’re wondering why I’m making such a big deal out of this, let me explain that, up until last night, I was a non-runner. A person who could not run. Well, couldn’t run without wanting to die after, like, three steps.

And yeah, some of the running aversion was because I was fat and out of shape for a number of years, but it goes way back before that.

I was a champion swimmer in elementary school and junior high. I still have my trophies and boxes of ribbons and medals – including a bronze medal for my 3rd place finish in the 400 I.M. relay (I swam the butterfly lap) in the Junior Olympics. Couldn’t run back then, either.

In high school, I was a dancer and a member of our state championship drill team. I danced up to 6 hours a day. Every day. I marched in 7 mile long parades. While dancing. While wearing white marching boots that after mile 2 started to weigh about 8,000 lbs. In 100 degree weather. I danced 6-minute long dance routines and marched double-time down the entire length of a football field and back EVERY DAMN DAY.

I weighed 116 lbs. I was IN SHAPE.

But could I run the ¼ mile for the annual physical fitness test? Hell, no. I failed that stupid thing every year (although I kicked ASS on the sit-ups and push-ups).

I don’t know if it’s an allergy thing (as in, maybe all my allergies reduced my breathing capacity) or what, but I have never been able to run more than a few steps without feeling like I can’t breathe which then leads to the whole wanting to D-I-E thing.

Until last night. I have vanquished the running beast! I’ve been doing interval training (3 minutes at “normal” pace and then 1 minute at “fast pace” alternated for 30 – 45 minutes) on the elliptical or treadmill machines at the gym in order to goose my metabolism into coughing up these last 20 lbs. that I want to lose. Last night, I changed the 1 “fast pace” minute to a full-out “run” minute. And I did it all the way through my 35 minute session.

And I did not die, nor did I come close to feeling like dying.

THIS IS A FREAKIN’ MIRACLE!

Tonight, I’m upping the running sections to 2 minute intervals.

Cue the Flock of Seagulls music: “And I raaaaaaan. I ran so far awaaaaayyyyy…”

KJ

P.S. I ate blueberries and yogurt for a snack today. And I liked it. What’s next? Tomatoes? Squash? It’s possible a pod has taken over my body because this for sure is NOT me. I do not run and I do not eat fruits and vegetables. I. Just. Don’t. I am maybe becoming a pod person…

P.P.S. Except maybe not because squash? No. Just…no.

Fashionable (and verbose) Friday

Sit down and relax because there’s a lot to cover today. I should’ve posted this earlier in the week because it’s probably old news by now, but it’s taken me a while to get this whole entry written. Anyway, here’s my take on the fashions from the Oscars this year – not that anyone cares about my opinion, but I like to critique fashion anyway.

I was pretty disappointed overall in the clothes. There wasn’t anyone who I thought was absolutely fabulous, stunning, over-the-top fantastic. I didn’t see any major standout pieces of jewelry, either. Sure, there were lots of diamonds, but usually there are a few special, unusual items that are memorable and I didn’t notice any of those.

Having said that, my hands-down favorite dress was Reese Witherspoon’s:

The picture does not do it justice because it looks black, but it's actually a deep violet shading to lavender at the hem. I love it when actresses wear color on the red carpet – black and white are so darn safe and I’m never a fan of the blush or skin-toned dresses (the possible exception being the gold beaded dress that Charlize Theron wore a couple of years ago). Anyway, Reese looks amazing. Divorce agrees with her – a feeling I know a little something about.

I also liked Nicole Kidman’s red dress with the exception of the giant bow in the back.

It reminded me of the kitten from Disney’s “The Aristocats.”

I also wish she’d quit going so pale blonde with her hair. I think it looks better with a little more color in it (especially because she’s so danged pale she practically glows in the dark – would it KILL her to wear a hint of bronzer?) And wow - her feet are HUGE!

Two dresses I really HATED were Gwyneth Paltrow’s:

and Cameron Diaz’s:

In Gwyneth’s case, I don’t think the color is flattering on her. It looks kind of “muddy” to me although I suppose it’s possible it was prettier in person. The top doesn’t seem to fit quite right – it looks like it’s cutting in to her just beneath her shoulders, but heck, at least she wore a bra this time (remember the awful Goth-chick-see-through thing she wore that time? Shudder!).

In Cameron’s case, this dress reminds me of a prom dress I had back in the 80’s that was bright white, stiff taffeta. Yeah, it didn’t look good on me either. I’m also not a big fan of the dark hair on her, but it probably would look better if she’d chosen a different color dress instead of the white. And please, someone, get the spray tan away from her! She looks like an Oompa Loompa.
I’m on the fence about Penelope Cruz’s dress:

It’s another one of those pale, washed-out colors that I despise, but because of her gorgeous skin and hair color, she actually pulls it off pretty well. The bodice fits her to perfection which is always a worry with the strapless gowns. So many actresses seem to not get the fit right and they’re either too loose (resulting in the continual possibility of imminent mammary flashage) or too tight (resulting in the whole “hey, I’m getting a mammogram for free on the red carpet” squashed look). Then there’s the skirt. My first thought was that I hated it. Then, I gave it a second look and thought that it really is pretty amazing as far as construction and she does manage to carry it without being overwhelmed. Overall, I think my initial reaction is perhaps more due to the fact that my own personal style is a little less “over the top” than that dress is so it looks like too much to me. I do have to say, though, that the dress is lucky it’s on Penelope because I think THAT’s what makes it sort of work. Anyone else would just look like they were draped in dead pink swans from the waist down.

Okay, on to more accessible fashion. And my shoe-rating system for guys. Seems like I’m still stuck in the “is this guy even worth wasting my GOOD gym shoes on” phase. I had someone who was initially shaping up to be a “cute pair of flats” guy, but I had to bust him back down to “not worth putting shoes on at all” status. But that may all be behind me as I have come up with the perfect solution. Y’see, I’ve found the ULTIMATE pair of shoes. I am going to marry these shoes, live a long and happy life with them and then be buried in them.

Guys? What guys?

I have my yellow Charles Jordan d'Orsay pumps:

And as soon as I can scrape up enough cash to afford them, I will be a very, very happy woman.

In the meantime, though, I thought I’d feature a couple of really cute pairs of flat shoes like these pink beaded dragonfly thongs:

and these satin flower-print ballet flats

just for those who are worried that I will be permanently crippled from all the high heels or that I will eventually fall and break my neck.

Seriously, though, how CUTE are those pink dragonflies? And they are BEADED, too! You cannot get much better than that.

Lastly, it being Friday and all, it’s time for some book reviews. Since there’s been nothing but crap available lately, I decided to re-read a couple of old favorites by Lois McMaster Bujold.
"Shards of Honor" and "Barrayar" are the two “prequels” to her Miles Vorkosigan saga. And frankly, as much as I love the Miles books, I think I actually prefer these two because of the main character. Cordelia Naismith is absolutely one of the best sci-fi characters ever written. Smart, strong and with incredible emotional depth and personal standards, she makes these books fascinating reads.

Then, I went out and tried a new author/series in the mystery/occult crossover genre. I wish someone would stop me when I get these urges to try new authors – it NEVER works out well. Yasmine Galenorn’s "Ghost of a Chance" is a prime example. This book contained two things guaranteed to make me label a work as crap. 1. A main character who is beyond stupid and 2. A completely obvious villain who appears out of nowhere in the last 1/4th of the book (thereby making it obvious “whodunit”) Hate, hate, hate that. Did I mention hate? Because it’s really not too strong of a word here.

I’ve got two other books that I’m almost at the end of and I promised myself that I am not allowed to write a review until I’ve actually finished a book so, I’ll just have to save those for next Friday.

Have a great weekend, everyone. I’m going to get the hair re-blonded, run some errands and hopefully drop by a bead and gem show on Saturday and then plan to take the kidlet to the beach on Sunday if the weather cooperates and we both manage to stay healthy that long.

Take care!

KJ

The Surreal Life

Or

My day at the DMV

Yeah, I know, complaint stories about the DMV are so incredibly clichéd, but honestly, as long as I have called and made appointments in the past, I’ve never had a problem. Breezed in, 10 minutes, breezed out.

Not this time.

This experience was a SNAFU beyond belief. So sit back, relax, and enjoy my tale of torment and woe.

So, I’m doin’ the whole post-divorce name change thing, right? I started with the Social Security card (and by the way, THEY are a government agency who has their act so totally together it’s amazing – zero problems with them). Once that was done, I was free to move on to the DMV.

I followed the instructions on the DMV website and made an appointment.

I showed up 15 minutes early for the appointment because that’s just how I roll, yo.

This is where it all went to hell. No handbasket involved – it was an express cart.

The local DMV is located in a strip mall. Don’t ask me why – that’s where it’s always been since back when I was 16 and took my driver’s exam for the first time. When I arrived, I immediately got an unpleasant feeling as I realized that most of the strip mall’s buildings and parking lot were either gone, or were in the process of being bulldozed away. The heaviest area of construction seemed to be at the end of the mall where the DMV had been located. The building was still there, but the parking lot in front of it was ripped up and I felt a bit queasy as I thought it looked like they had closed or moved that office and never updated the website.

Still, there seemed to be a lot of cars and people down that way so I decided to park and check it out. After picking my way through rubble and bulldozers and enduring the obscene catcalls of the construction workers (note: I will NEVER in a million years understand why men do this – I cannot believe that there has ever been a woman in the entire history of womenkind who has EVER responded to this. But whatever) I finally realize that yes, one door of the building is open.

Unfortunately, there is a massive line of people straggling out of it.

Still, I’m early, right? I have plenty of time to get up to the appointment desk and get my business taken care of.

Then I get through the front doors and get a look at the horror that is taking place inside. The place is JAMMED with people. There’s ONE long line leading up to a desk and the line is not moving. I look in vain for any signs saying “appts. go here” in the hopes that I, who have an appointment, need not wait in the line of doom. I also look in vain for any signs or actual human workers who can tell me what, if any, forms I need to fill out before I get up to the desk.

No luck. In either category.

So, after heaving a huge sigh of annoyance, I enter the line of doom. I stand there for 15 minutes and the line doesn’t move at all. However, a DMV worker finally appears and starts pulling various people out of line after asking them questions so I think “a-ha! he’s searching out the ‘appt. people’ and giving them preferential treatment. I shall be saved as soon as he gets to me.”

This, gentle reader, was not to be as I quickly realized that the only people he was pulling out of line were female, dressed like sluts and under the age of 18. This, apparently, is far more effective at the DMV than having an appointment.

Finally, in desperation, I ask the people in front of me if they have appointments. This does not work as they do not speak English. Then, I notice a group of about 5 people standing up at the desk where the line of doom eventually terminates. They are not actually IN the line of doom however and yet some action seems to be taking place in their general vicinity.

I get out of the line of doom (a calculated risk) and go over to this group. Hooray, they are all “appt. people.” I am saved!

Apparently, having an appointment does mean you get to be in the shorter line and then you are processed alternately with the people from the line of doom. An improvement, but a very small one.

It is now 15 minutes PAST my appointment time, but I wait patiently and finally it is my turn at the desk.

Whereupon the zombie retard worker looks at me and says “I’ll be right back.” AND THEN HE LEAVES!

I should mention here that what is happening at the desk is that they give you a ticket and send you over to chairs to sit and wait for your turn. So, again, having an appointment buys you very little as it still does not mean you are going to get processed.

But I digress.

Zombie retard guy is gone for 15 minutes. I see him wandering around the rest of the DMV office. He randomly stops to chat with other co-workers. I think he went to the bathroom. He got some coffee.

Finally he returns and I prepare to tell him that, hey, I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT. You cannot make me wait in line with the rest of the unwashed masses. Okay, so I would never really say that, but I am still suffering from “appointment-having superiority complex” at this point so go with me here.

As I open my mouth to explain, he looks right at me and says “Sorry, I can’t give out any more tickets right now. I’ll come back when I can.”

AND THEN HE LEAVES AGAIN!

I do not get a chance to make sure I am in the right line or ask about forms or tell him my appointment-having status.

Now my line of appointment-people and the line of doom people are all just left standing there, slack-jawed in amazement. And then things begin to get ugly. There is muttering and then louder muttering and I’m sure there would’ve been torches and pitchfork if, you know, we’d had them handy.

Finally…30 minutes later!...a zombie retard chick walks up to the desk and she looks right at all of us and then ignores us. She staples some papers. She gets her purse out and puts on some chapstick and then checks herself in the mirror and then she goes and wanders around a bit and then finally comes back and asks “does anyone here have an appointment?”

YES! It’s my moment of triumph and so I (and about a dozen other people) all raise our hands and pretty much scream “I do! I do!”

At which point she looks very annoyed and says to all of us “okay, whoah, back off.” Listen, dorkface, YOU try standing in line for an hour while no one helps you and you are patently ignored when, dammit, you had an appointment!

She then says she can help “registration people only.” So all the people who are there to register title or pay their registration or whatever, get to jump the line. I’m still standing there, first in line, still not being helped.

Finally another DMV zomboid comes over and whispers in her ear and I guess maybe the planets have correctly aligned or something because they are now going to hand out driver’s license tickets.

Which means me.

Yay. Finally.

So the zombie retard chick looks at me and asks me for my paperwork. Whereupon I pull out my current license, my divorce judgment restoring my maiden name, and my new social security card with the name change on it.

And she says to me (in a voice that leaves no doubt that she thinks *I* am the zombie retard) “no, your PAPERWORK.”

Now, remember back when this all started that I looked everywhere for signs or a person to direct me to the correct forms and found nothing except the lines? Which led me to assume that one made one’s way up to the front of the line and was then directed to the correct forms (if any)?

Yeah, not so much.

So I tell her “What forms? I’ve been waiting in this line and there’s no one to answer any questions nor are there any signs directing anyone what to do.” She looks at me as if I’m a particularly dim-witted species of jellyfish and then turns to the room in general and yells out a name (which I didn’t catch) and lo and behold, it’s junior perv guy who was pulling all the young chickies out of line and ignoring the rest of us. He walks up and she asks him “how come this lady doesn’t have any forms?” Ah ha! HE was supposed to be working the lines and directing people, but was too distracted by 16-year-old butt cracks to do his friggin’ job.

Perv guy looks at me and then looks back at the chick behind the counter and (with a totally straight face) says “oh, she must’ve slipped by me.” Now, before I can flying tackle this guy and beat the crap out of him while screaming “SLIPPED BY YOU, MY ASS!” over and over, the chick nods wisely, says “yes, she must’ve slipped by you”, hands me some forms, tells me to fill them out and come back.

Yes, people, I have now waited 2 hours in line and accomplished exactly nothing.

But I have an appointment!

I get the forms filled out, take them back up to her and she gives me a ticket and tells me to go wait in the chair area. Great. I’m still in line, but at least I’m sitting down.

Ten minutes later I get called to a window, processed, photo taken (yay, no more FAT GIRL D/L photo!) and I’m outta there.

Two hours of bureaucratic stupidity for something that took ten minutes to accomplish.

Only at the DMV, folks.

But make sure you have an appointment. It really makes a difference.

KJ

P.S. The new D/L arrived in the mail this week and while my hair looks a bit funky, the picture does not suck at all. I was shocked, but pleased. As far as the state is concerned, Kelly Osborne is no more. I’m back to Morgan now and couldn’t be happier. I even made it to the bank this weekend to get the name on my account changed, new checks ordered and a new ATM card ordered. No more lame Ozzy jokes every time I pull out my card at a store. Woo hoo!

The irony of it all...

Webster’s dictionary defines irony as:

1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.

or

2. an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

I define irony as paying off one’s final divorce-related legal fees…on Valentine’s Day…with a “love” stamp on the envelope.

Quick, someone call Alanis Morissette.

KJ

The Unbearable Boredness of Being

Well, I was going to write a new blog entry, but darned if I can think of a single thing to say. I’m not often at a loss for words, but there is literally NOTHING happening in my life right now. Everything has ground to a halt due to rampant illness – it’s tough to create exciting blog topics when stomach flu hits.

So, let the random babbling commence:

1. I have a new rating system for guys. It’s based on shoes. In other words, which shoes should I wear on the date. Does the guy rate the cute, but casual flats? Could he appreciate the black leather stiletto boots? Is he worthy of the red satin polka-dot heels? Or should I not waste anything other than my old gym shoes on him? So far, on-line dating has provided a lot of “gym shoe guys” and not much else. Of course, I expect hardly anyone to be worthy of the red satin heels – those practically deserve an instant marriage proposal along with a rock the size of Texas!

2. There has been nothing decent to read for MONTHS now. I am going through major withdrawal. The DT’s are going to kick in any minute. Thank goodness that Linnea Sinclair’s “Games of Command” is due out soon. I just have to make it a LEETLE longer.

3. Being poor sucks. I need…er…okay…I want new clothes. I saw the CUTEST denim skirt at the mall last week. I’ve been trying to find one like it for a year now. Finally find one and have no money. Let me reiterate that being poor sucks.

4. Why is Hugh Laurie so damn hot? Did you see his acceptance speech at the Golden Globes? I thought he was hot on “House”, but I’d forgotten that he actually has a British accent, too. And is funny. A devastating combination. And I can’t for the life of me figure out how he can play this character that is so obnoxious and even downright mean and yet still be H-O-T. He would DEFINITELY rate the red satin shoes! From now on, I’m rejecting everyone who isn’t a Hugh Laurie look-alike, with a British accent. Oh, and loads of money (see #3 above about the suckage of poorness).

5. I made it all the way to the top of the gigantic, steep hill by my house this weekend without dying! This has always been my litmus test for fitness. Back before all the weight loss, I couldn’t even make it a quarter of the way. I’d have to stop and turn around and go home. But Saturday I went for a walk and at the last minute, I decided I would see how far up the hill I could get. To my utter amazement and delight, I made it to the top with no problem. Okay, I was panting and my heart was pounding, but not at the “I’m gonna die if I take one more step” level. And besides, that’s what cardio is all about, right? So, after a couple of months of being stymied on the weight loss plan due to the holidays and all the illness, I’m proud to announce that I’ve lost the first 3.5 lbs. of the additional 20 I decided to lose as part of my New Year’s Resolutions. Go, me! On a side note, I’m also pretty proud of the fact that I made it through all the holidays and illness without gaining back any weight. I managed to stay right at my initial goal weight the whole time even though I had several weeks where I couldn’t get to the gym because of “life” stuff. And now that the illness has passed, I’m right back on the program. In fact, the forced “break” may even help me out by tricking my metabolism a bit. I’m also trying some interval training with my cardio – I do 3 minutes at my regular pace and then 1 minute at a much higher intensity and then repeat for the entire workout. It seems to be quite effective so far.

6. I was going to insert something funny that Ryan said here, but being as it involves bathrooms and poop (why doesn’t anyone warn you that from the moment you decided to become a parent, your entire life will revolve around poop for at LEAST the next 5 years…and probably longer if you have a boy?) I decided to spare you. Trust me, it WAS funny, though.

7. Okay, poorness or no poorness, if I make it to the halfway point on this additional 20 lbs. weight loss thing, I’m sooo buying that denim skirt. In a smaller size.

8. Ndebele (herringbone) stitch does not suck as much as I once thought it did. I think I still prefer peyote stitch, but I’m rapidly learning to really enjoy Ndebele, too.

Which brings me to….ta da! New jewelry pics! These are all from my recent magazine article organization project.

Tubular Ndebele (herringbone) - my very first attempt at this stitch. I think it came out pretty well despite some early struggles. I'll tell you what, a free pair of earrings (my choice) to anyone who can spot the mistake in this bracelet:



Flat Ndebele (herringbone) - this project is from the Oct/Nov, 2004 issue of "Beadwork" magazine and has a lovely, ribbon-like drape to it:



Two crystal bracelets - this pattern makes up really easily and is so pretty with all the sparkling crystals. The new violet opal color from Swarovski is to die for and does not show to nearly its best advantage in the photo:





I learned a lot with all of these new projects. Ndebele (herringbone) is more of a pain than peyote, but as I mentioned, does not suck as much as I once thought it did. Fireline is great for crystal work, but geez! does it tangle, tangle, and tangle some more. Drove me crazy.

I can't wait to dig out some more projects to try from the magazine pile. Sure wish I had more time for beading!

Hope everyone had a nice weekend. I will try to have more excitement in my life in the future so I have something to write about.

KJ