Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Ode to Memes

A meme away A meme away Weeeeeooooweeeeooo A meme um um away.

In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight…

Shut up – it’s a REAL song.

Gee, I hope “meme” is pronounced “meem” the way I think it is and not “mimi” or "mem" or the above song pun is going to be completely wasted…

Stuff I love (other than the obvious kid, family, God, etc.):

1. Creating awesome new jewelry designs. To wit:

2. Creating an awesome new jewelry design that I get paid for. Hopefully one of the above...

3. A good book – I mean REALLY good. Un-put-downable good.

4. Eddie Izzard’s comedy. “Cake or death?” “Cake, please.” “Ciao!”

5. New clothes.

6. New shoes.

7. Butterflies.

8. Seashells. I was crazy for seashells as a kid. And I don’t just mean the kind that you can pick up off the beach (except that you can’t any more because everything is a marine sanctuary – hey, hermit crabs need homes, too. Yet I find it kind of sad that future generations (i.e. MY kid) will not have the simple joy of finding and collecting sea shells and taking them home. Ditto for the outlawing of fireworks. Hate you fireworks outlawers! Boo! Hiss!) But anyway, I have lots of cool shells like a full sized nautilus, another nautilus cut in half so you can see all the chambers, cowries, conches and others that I used to know the name of but don’t any more because apparently 40 years old = brain damage. My mom still has a basket of all my shells sitting on the floor in her guest bathroom. Hi mom!

9. The way the ocean looks on a stormy day – all iron gray and waves pounding and stuff.

10. Shark Week – because, really, who can’t get enough of giant toothed monsters that are definitely going to EAT YOU ALIVE the next time you stick a toe in the ocean.

11. 5 PM on Friday.

12. Not having anyone sucking up all the joy and happiness in my house with his angry, obnoxious presence.

13. Feeling peaceful.

14. Being free to do (or not do) whatever I want whenever I want in my own house without someone else bitching about it and telling me why MY way makes me such a freak and loser.

15. Writing. Although I should probably not inflict it on the public, but hey, I didn’t INVENT blogging. I just follow along with the trends like the good little sheep I am. Baaa!

16. “Ryanisms” – because the kid can be darned funny. Like when I found him attempting to re-program the photo printer which, with my technology issues, would be impossible to fix or return to its previous settings (whatever the heck they happen to be) and I attempted to explain why that was a bad idea and his response was “I was not aware of that, Mommy.” Or this morning when I did a lane change and passed this really slow car that had been in front of us and from the back seat I hear “Muy awesome! You beat that car, Mom! You are the coolest mom EVER!” I love that kid!

Stuff I hate (again, other than the obvious war, famine, cancer, etc.):

1. Cigarette smoke. I mean, really. If smoking is supposed to kill you, could all the smokers who blow smoke on my nice clean clothes and my clean hair and my food and ruin the way the air actually smells clean after a rain shower just get on with dying already so I can have all my clean stuff back and stop smelling your disgusting smoke?

2. The checkout girl at Panda Express who COUGHED on her hands and then tried to hand me back my change that she was holding and had coughed all over. Um, here, just drop it into my wallet and I’ll disinfect it later, thank you.

3. People who cuss in front of my kid. Yeah? Well, fuck you, too. Hey, Jenie, lookee…I said a bad word. In public! I know you’re relieved.

4. Co-workers who take a jillion smoke breaks a day and expect everyone to just deal with it and then track and report the amount of time that other employees spend in the bathroom. Because yeah, your drug addiction outranks a necessary bodily function any day. Not.

5. Custodial staff who jam toilet paper into the dispensers so firmly that it is IMPOSSIBLE to extract without using both hands and tearing off a square at a time. It’s called a ROLL for a REASON, people. It’s supposed to ROLL. And the person occupying the stall should get to decide how much paper she (or he) might need at any given time.

6. Building engineers who design a company bathroom with only three stalls. Two of which are next to each other and the other one of which is the handicapped stall so therefore, there’s no option to have a “courtesy stall buffer” between occupants. For privacy, one must use the handicapped stall which A. is not fair to the ACTUAL handicapped people who may need it and 2. has the toilet raised up so high that anyone who doesn’t have giraffe legs is left with their feet dangling a few inches off the floor which is NOT the optimum position for performing necessary functions.

I’m just sayin’…

7. Building engineers who put self-flushing toilets in the aforementioned itty bitty bathroom thus removing the option of the “courtesy flush” unless one wishes to perform the complicated ritual required for the self-flushing toilets to actually self-flush which is kind of not possible to do in the middle of necessary functions if you know what I mean. And I think you do. Plus, these stupid things never work right, anyway. One of them flushes itself incessantly whether you’re still sitting on it or not which is disconcerting unless maybe it was SUPPOSED to be a bidet? The other one WON’T flush no matter what you do which makes you feel guilty for walking way (except what ELSE are you supposed to DO?) and is disconcerting (to say the least) for the next occupant.

8. People who have loads of sick and vacation time saved up and yet still come to work deathly ill with whatever plague is currently making the rounds and pass their germs on to others who have NO vacation or sick time left on account of having to use it all for sick kids, lawyer meetings, divorce court, more lawyer meetings and actual vacation.

Disclaimer: Any mention of work, co-workers or employees is merely hypothetical and not meant to refer to any actually place of workage at which I may or may not work.

9. The snails who ate all my impatiens while I was on vacation.

10. Waterproof mascara that isn’t.

11. My current digital camera.

12. The way my windshield wipers seem to need replacing every other month.

13. The annoying way the windshield wipers sound because I don’t have the time, money or energy to deal with replacing them right now. Besides, didn’t anyone ever tell you “it never rains in Southern California…”? So, really, what’s the point of windshield wipers?

14. Men who tell you they are leaving you because the two of you have different values when what they really mean is that their values consist of lying, cheating and just generally being asshats and also that they found someone thinner (and stupider) who was willing to bang them.

Stuff I have a love-hate relationship with.

1. Donuts. You suck me in with your fried-in-fat-sugary-coated-goodness and then you make my pants too tight. Damn you!

2. Beads. You suck me in with your sparkling loveliness and then my electricity gets shut off because I spent all my money on beads. Um, not really, dad! Hi!

3. Trendy clothes. Because you’re SO CUTE. And also REALLY IN RIGHT NOW. But I can’t afford you and you’ll be out of style by the time I get you home from the store anyway.

4. Trendy shoes. See #3 above.

5. Bargains. Because I do so love a bargain. And yet, I’m a price snob (i.e. if the price seems “too good to be true” I immediately assume I’m being scammed and walk away and then later regret that I missed out on “that great bargain”) However, I’m working on this because I just bought some stuff from Payless Shoes (trendy shoes for $17.99! a bargain! if they don’t fall apart in a week!) in the hopes that it’s okay to indulge in “trendy” if it costs you less than $20.00. And also, who knew they had such cute shoes? Not me, apparently.

6. “All My Children” Hey, I love me some Tad Martin, but if I hear Kendall call her pregnancy pillow “this baby” one more time I’m going to puke. Also, Cameron Mathison (Ryan Lavery)? Should be seen (preferably sans shirt) and not heard. And Dixie? Girl, what is up with your HAIR?

7. Diet Coke. Because you’re calorie free but my mother says you are causing me brain damage with your aspartame.

8. Dr. Pepper. Because (shhhh!) you taste better than Diet Coke (which I thought was impossible) but you have CALORIES. If I drink you, I cannot have dessert. And since I am getting divorced – dessert is NOT optional. And Diet Dr. Pepper is SOOO not an option. It tastes like stinky feet.

9. Chocolate. See #1 Donuts above.

10. Divorce. Because I’m so much happier now that he’s gone…and I feel so guilty about that.

Which leads me to my list of “things I do now that I’m (almost) divorced that I didn’t do before.”

1. Work out.

2. Wear jeans and look damn good in them.

3. Wear high heels and look damn good in them. It’s amazing how much easier it is to walk on stilts when you’ve dropped 40 or so pounds. Love you, Anne Klein shoes-of-death!

4. Wear eye makeup. Okay, I wore it on occasion before the separation, but very, very rarely. And yet, I used to LOVE eye makeup (that whole 80’s thing, remember?) I just got to where I couldn’t be bothered with it any more. But, I hear blue eyeshadow is making a comeback! What’s next? Mousse with gold glitter in it (don’t ask…it was the 80’s).

5. ________________ (private)

6. ________________ (private)

7. Indulge in my hobbies and watch TV without feeling guilty.

8. Go to movies by myself on Friday nights. I’ve always done this on the weekends or on weekdays off from work (I kinda enjoy that whole “theater all to myself feeling”) but never thought I could do it on “date night.” Not only can I do it, but it’s nice to pick a movie I actually want to SEE (and that will not give me nightmares due to blood and guts and explosions). Plus, I don’t have to put up with the sighing and fidgeting from the dork who didn’t want to see said movie.

9. Notice hot guys. Wonder if they’re married or not, how old they are and whether they can sit through a chick flick without fidgeting.

10. Figure out technology stuff by myself.

11. Find that it’s actually easier to figure it out myself than to go through someone who thought he was an expert but who, I’m finding, actually didn’t know what the heck he was doing.

12. Stand up for myself.

13. Think about getting back into scuba diving. (note to self: get higher paying job so I can afford to dive in WARM water).

And that’s it for this week’s “Ode to Memes”

A meme away A meme away Weeeeeeooooweeeeooo A meme um um away
Near the village, the peaceful village
The lion sleeps tonight
Near the village, the quiet village
The lion sleeps tonight

A meme away A meme away Weeeeeooooweeeeooo A meme um um away

Hush my darling, don't fear my darling
The lion sleeps tonight
Hush my darling, don't fear my darling
The lion sleeps tonight

And, now that I've outed myself as the biggest dork of all time...

Take care, everyone!


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