A Day in the Life

It’s been brought to my attention (ahem!) that I haven’t been updating this blog enough. Since non-updated blogs are a particular peeve of mine on other sites (note to self to put that on the next list of peeves), I shall try to rectify the situation. However, when you read (or rather sleep) your way through what my daily life is like, you’ll understand why I haven’t been updating more frequently.

Friday, August 25, 2006
Work all day at new job.
4 PM start wondering what to do with myself on a Friday night since the kidlet will not be home.
4:45 remember that South Coast Plaza is only minutes away and will allow me to miss the festival of fun that is Friday night rush hour on the 405.
5 PM – 7:30 PM spend way too much money buying clothes that I won’t wear for dates I don’t have even though I only went there to pick up one shirt at Coldwater Creek. See “The Container Store” as I’m leaving the main mall and remember that my makeup desperately needs to be organized and that I haven’t been able to find makeup organizers at Target. Spend an hour in the store just enjoying all the organizational possibilities that I will never get around to using. Find the perfect makeup organizers and gleefully cart them home.
7:30-8 PM drive home. At home, walk by kidlet’s room, notice how empty and quiet it is and get sad and teary. Try to call kidlet at ex’s house. Get voicemail.
8-8:30 PM Eat energy bar and water for dinner – I live the high life, I tell ya!
8:30-10 PM Waste time on match.com, blogging and bead websites. Discover ex’s profile on match.com. Resist urge to throw up (despite brief consideration that it will help in the weight dept.).
10 PM-12 AM Waste time watching shows I DVR’d during the week. “What Not to Wear” is a re-run specializing in pregnant and post-pregnant women. Be reminded that I cannot have any more children. Great.

Saturday, August 26, 2006
8 AM get up, eat breakfast and start load of laundry.
8:15 AM realize that wet laundry from last weekend never made it out of washing machine into dryer and is now funkifying the inside of the washing machine. Re-wash entire load w/ extra chemicals to combat the funk.
9 AM begin endless round of phone calls coordinating family visit later in the day. In between calls, review wardrobe for items that are now too big but still have tags on and can be returned to stores. Organize items into appropriate piles by store and match up receipts. Congratulate myself on having organized my receipts last month so that I can actually FIND them now.
11 AM finish phone calls.
11:05 AM first of family arrives.
12 PM pick up lunch at Subway (hey, do you SEE how busy my schedule is? no time for cooking, people!)
2:30 PM family leaves. Debate whether to take a nap and then remember that I’m out of milk, I need a bottle of wine for the party I’m going to tonight, and the kidlet needs socks. Realize that if I run the errands REALLY fast that I’ll still have time for a pedicure before going to the gym.
2:30-4 PM Go to Old Navy to take advantage of the 8 for $10 deal on children’s socks. While there, remember that the denim jacket I bought at Target last month is going back to the store because it’s too big and therefore I am denim-jacketless and notice that there three or four cute styles of denim jackets at Old Navy. Waste 30 minutes trying them on and realizing that I am too old to shop at Old Navy for myself. Get Ryan’s socks and slink out of store wishing I had the figure to pull off “skinny jeans.” Start to head for nail salon and then realize that I will not be able to put on socks and gym shoes to work out on top of a fresh pedicure. Cancel pedicure idea and go to grocery store instead. Buy milk, wine, “People” magazine to read at the gym, and some snack type thingies for kidlet’s lunches during the week. Waste time in the self-checkout line behind idiots who don’t know how to use the machines before finally giving up and going to wait in a regular checkout line. Go to bank to deposit paycheck. Am now 30 minutes late to get to the gym.

4-4:30 PM Race home, change into sweats and start to head out the door. Phone rings and I start to ignore it only to realize it’s the ex calling to let me talk to the kidlet. Spend 15 minutes listening to the three year old’s description of going fishing with his dad and how great his dad is and how much fun he’s having. Get depressed because I miss him so much.

4:30-4:45 PM Drive to gym. Realize as I pull in the parking lot that I left the house without my purse so not only do I not have my driver’s license, I also don’t have my gym card. Decide to go inside anyway and hope obnoxiously thin teenagers manning the desk will give me a pass this time.

4:45-5 PM Make it past the front desk and head to the locker room to put my stuff away only to realize that not only do I not have any stuff (having left it at home) but I also don’t have my lock either.

5-6:30 PM Work out. Feel like a dork that there is a cute guy on the treadmill next to me who I am too embarrassed to talk to. Distract myself from how much I hate working out by trying to see if there’s a ring on his left hand without him noticing what I’m doing. Fail miserably. Up the incline degrees on the treadmill machine to distract myself from how pathetic I am.

6:30-7 PM Drive home, eat energy bar, promise my inner anorexic I will not overindulge in alcohol or high-calorie snacks at the party, shower. Discover that skirt I planned to wear to party is now in “to be returned” pile because it’s too big.

7-7:30 PM Re-think entire wardrobe strategy which results in total destruction of closet and bedroom to be cleaned up later when I’m not running late.

7:30-8 PM Do hair and makeup and realize there’s no way I’m going to be on time for the party since it starts at 8 PM and is thirty minutes away. Ignore incoming phone calls on house and cell phone so I can get out the door faster.

8-8:15 PM Depart house. Make it as far as driveway before association president flags me down to ask me about strange white truck parked illegally in front of my house and whether it’s okay if he tows it or not. I tell him “be my guest.”

8:15 PM Finally get on Laguna Canyon Road and get stuck behind obnoxiously slow and possibly drunk driver. Cell phone has been beeping with voice mail alerts incessantly for the last 20 minutes so I decide now is a good time to check messages since I’m not going anywhere for a while, apparently. Erase two messages from association president asking me about the white truck. Erase message from my parents telling me that association president called them because I wasn’t answering my cell phone and he was worried about me. Erase message from my parents asking if I got their earlier message and expressing that they are now concerned since I’m not answering my cell phone. Call my parents back and reassure them that I have not been hacked into little bits by an axe murderer and endure lecture about making cell phone calls from the car.

8:45 PM-12 AM Arrive at party. Drop bottle of wine on sidewalk on the way into the house – I must have a teensy drop of good karma stored up somewhere because it doesn’t break. Hope no one will notice that the wine is now severely “shaken, not stirred.” Go inside and realize that, other than the hostess, none of the people I know are there yet. Promptly drink a glass of wine and tell my inner-anorexic to get stuffed. People I know finally arrive and I quickly entrench myself with that group all night and fail to talk to anyone else. Eat two mushroom appetizers even though I’ve been told they’re full of butter and cream. Inner anorexic is now tearing out what’s left of her hair and swearing to punish my ass at the gym tomorrow. Wonder if one guy is possibly trying to flirt with me and then decide that I am either delusional or the one glass of wine has gone to my head. Decide to stay when group of people I know gets ready to leave. Get invited to do tequila shooters with group remaining behind. Take nanosecond to realize that I am not a tequila shooters kind of girl and decide to leave after all.

12-12:30 AM Drive home. Decide to take longer, but more drunk-driver-free route to get home because that’s how I roll, yo.

12:30-2 AM Get in bed but realize that I am wide awake thanks to the glass of wine (this is why I don’t drink, people, it has this weird effect on me like it’s a bucket of caffeine). Spend an hour goofing around on-line and winking at guys on match.com. Remember that it’s a flagrant violation of the internet dating “rules” book my sister-in-law sent me. Decide the book is stupid and keep sending out winks. Go back to bed and watch part of a movie. Finally fall asleep.

Sunday, August 27, 2006
8 AM Wake up. Look at clock and remind myself that this is my day to sleep in. Go back to sleep.

9 AM Wake up. Look at clock and remind myself that this is my day to sleep in. Remember all the crap I didn’t get done yesterday and get up.

9-10 AM Switch laundry loads from yesterday. Eat breakfast, feed bird and load shopping bags in car.

10-10:30 AM Realize that I had wanted to be at the mall by 10 AM so I could finish everything there and have time to come home and work on jewelry. Waste another half an hour doing something I can’t remember now before finally getting out the door.

10:30-10:50 Drive to mall. Realize upon arriving at mall that shops don’t open until 11 AM on Sundays.

10:50-11:05 AM Sit in chair outside Ann Taylor and stare into space. Have random thoughts about why this is the one day in my life that I don’t have a book in my purse to read and whether or not the guy from the party really WAS flirting with me and was I just too dense to notice and how many responses I might have in my e-mail in-box from last night’s winks. Notice it’s now 11 AM and no stores are opening. Walk up to the Ann Taylor door and glare through the glass at the slackers working inside until they finally get up off their lazy butts and open the $(#)&! door. Receive a nice “thank you” from a fellow customer who was also waiting for the store to open, but who, apparently, was too nice to do anything about it.

11:05 AM-2:30 PM Return stuff. Do additional shopping thereby negating any positive cash flow from the returns. Feel somewhat guilty, but realize that A. I do need a work wardrobe that fits so I can get out the door on time in the morning and B. It’s cheaper than (additional) therapy and less destructive to the surrounding population and infrastructure than climbing the local clock tower and is also legal (unlike running the ex over with my car and then backing up to do it again). It doesn’t have quite the same satisfying “crunch” noise, tho.

2:30-7:30 PM Arrive home and eat lunch. Contemplate working on jewelry and then remember bills need to be paid. Spend an hour organizing and paying bills. Remember legal paperwork is due. Spend half an hour looking for paperwork and another half hour filling it out. Check e-mail for responses to last night’s winks – bupkiss. Decide to go make jewelry. Pass shopping bag from “The Container Store” on the way and remember that I need to organize my makeup. Spend an hour organizing makeup only to discover that, as previously mentioned, there’s been some sort of lip gloss population explosion. Which is odd when you consider that I rarely ever wear anything on my lips other than chapstick. Spend five minutes chastising myself for wasting money on lip gloss, but vow to wear it more often now that I have it. Realize this will be easier now that I can actually FIND the lip gloss when I need it. Suddenly remember stacks of clean laundry piling up. Spend two hours putting away laundry and doing ironing. Stop when 1/3 of ironing still remains to be done because I can’t take any more. Check match.com one more time because that whole obsessive-compulsive thing really works for me. See that cute cowboy guy who I’ve been exchanging e-mails with all week has sent me an e-mail – with a quiz, no less. Decide I can’t handle the pressure of it right now and save it to deal with later.

7:30-7:45 PM Try to talk myself into skipping the gym. Fail. Change into sweats and head to the gym. Manage to remember purse, lock, magazine and water this time. Forget towel.

8-9PM Work out.

9:30 PM Arrive home, shower and realize that another weekend has gone by with no jewelry making. Start to read a book and then remember I have to get up at 4:30 the next morning. Decide to read until 10 PM anyway.

9:45 PM – Fall asleep with book on my chest.

9:50 PM Wake up, put book on bedside table and turn light out.

And there you have it – a glorious and exciting weekend in the life of KJ. I believe I’ve mentioned somewhere before in this blog that Paris Hilton SOOO wishes she was me – 41-year-old skin, extra poundage, excess lip gloss and all.