Monday, March 12, 2007

I need sleep!

I have two things to say:

1. I need to find whoever had the brilliant idea of extending daylight savings time and kill them. A lot. In slow painful ways possibly involving iron maidens, the rack or being thrown to sharks. And yeah, okay, I know it’s supposed to be all energy-saving and good for the planet and stuff, but is that really going to matter a whole hell of a lot when I am up on a clocktower with a high-powered rifle taking aim at people because I’ve gone psychotic from sleep deprivation and too much Diet Coke which I will have downed by the gallon in the vain attempt to compensate for actual sleep? Isn’t it enough that I’m awakened on the weekends at 6 AM by a 4 year old yelling “Mom, I pooped” from the bathroom across the hall? Now, this has to happen at 5 AM because of some stupid law that some stupid greenie Congressman passed? Ed Begley, Jr. is behind this somehow, I’m sure of it. Well, I’m coming for you Begley. I’m coming for you and I’m high on 27 Diet Cokes so you’d better watch out! Y’know, if we’d just build more nuclear power plants, we could all get some freakin’ sleep!

2. On a completely unrelated topic, I have finally found THE perfect pair of pants. The waist is neither too high nor too low. They are not pleated (hate you pleated pants! you are evil and must be stopped!). They do not have tapered legs and therefore they do not make you look like an ice cream cone with feet when you wear them. They’re cotton with a touch of stretch which is just about the most perfect fabric combo EVER. They come in petite and plus sizes and three different lengths. In fact, I liked them so much that I bought one pair in “ankle” length to wear with flats and one pair in “regular” length to wear with heels. They even come in a “curvy” version for those with a little more “junk in the trunk” than the rest of us. LOVE YOU Gap “clean stretch cotton” pants.

Now, don’t you feel lucky to be privy to the inner workings of my (perhaps slightly crazy) brain? Because this is what I live with every day, people, thought processes that careen randomly from one totally unrelated topic to another. NOW do you see why this whole extra Daylight Savings thing is a BIG mistake? Big. Huge even.

You’ve been warned.

KJ

P.S. People, please stop buying pleated pants. I’m begging you. Also, no more tapered pants unless you are Nicole Richie who, as a walking skeleton, is perhaps the only human being who can get away with them. And pants that are pleated AND tapered? Run. Fast. You should possibly be screaming in horror while doing this.

P.P.S. Not sure if your pants are tapered? It is getting hard to tell what with some designers calling things “straight leg” which are actually tapered and calling things “boot cut” which are actually straight leg. So, an easy test. Take the leg of the pant and flip it up in half so that the hem hits about where the knee is. If the bottom of the pant is narrower than the knee area, you’ve got tapered pants. Put them down and walk away (except for you, Nicole, you can go ahead if you want to, but also grab yourself some cheesecake or something because you’re scaring everyone, m’kay?) If it’s equal to the knee, you’ve got a straight leg pant. If it’s SLIGHTLY wider than the knee, it’s a boot cut. If it’s lots wider, then it’s a flare leg. Note that flare legs are NOT necessarily the same as wide legs.

5 comments:

Not-faint-hearted said...

I'm right there with you. The whole daylight-saving time will save energy thing is a crock. We just use more electricity in the morning when it's efing dark out! I don't believe in conspiracy theories but in this case make an exception.

Kaos Siberians said...

AMEN! We had a dog show (of course) so had to remember to set the clocks ahead so we didn't miss our ring time (ok, it was at 2pm, chances of still being asleep at 2pm...next to nill. You think a 3 yr old is bad...try 10 of them!)

But it's now Tuesday and I'm still dragging...I'm up to 3 lattes and untold number of diet cokes daily.

Is it too much to ask that one thing in our lives stay constant? Is it?

Silver Parrot said...

SP to not-faint-hearted. I agree - definitely a conspiracy going on here. Where are Mulder and Scully when we need them because obviously aliens are running our government!

Silver Parrot said...

SP to Kaos: Apparently, the answer is "yes." How'd you do at the show?

Kaos Siberians said...

The Baby (aka Blaze) took his first "runner up" placement. I hope it's not a sign of things to come. Next weekend I get to go to Bakersfield...be still my heart!