Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Woman Assaults Man with Fruit...

...Film at 11.

Just when I thought it was safe to go back to the grocery store...sigh.

Y'all will have noticed a lack of grocery-store-related rants around here since I gave up going to the Deli Counter From Hell and started buying pre-packaged meat.

I mean, yeah, I still have to deal with the ferrets-on-heroine-lollapalooza that is the parking lot and I still hate the 'tards who can't figure out how to use the self-checkout kiosks (because, y'know, if you're techo-challenged...there are LIVE PEOPLE right over there waiting to check you out...er...ring you up...er...well, you know what I mean). So get the heck outta my way already!

But really, that's just every day stuff at the grocery store. I decided to ramp it down until something noteworthy occurred.

And Sunday morning provided just such an occurrence which I now relate to you for your blog viewing pleasure and my complete and utter humiliation.

Because I spent all day Saturday running around in a beadshow-induced frenzy AND determined to finally get a much-needed pedicure before the kid got home and I had to resume Mom Duty, I didn't get my Mother's Day assignment completed.

Oh yes - I was assigned homework for Mother's Day which consisted of:

1. Buy a fruit tray at MY grocery store because my mother has determined that the fruit at her store is sub-standard compared to the fruit at my store. Now, normally, I push back when Mom decides to get her crazy on, but MOTHER'S DAY. Cannot refuse Mom on MOTHER'S DAY. Seriously. The guilt could rise to fatal levels.

2. Buy cards for me and the kid to give to Mom and to my sister-in-law.

3. Provide transportation for Mom (even though she's perfectly capable of driving herself - she just likes to pretend she isn't) to the big Mother's Day shindig and my brother's house.

Oh yeah, and...accomplish all of the above with a 7-year-old boy in tow who REALLY would rather be at home watching the Scooby Doo marathon.

So, there I am at Ralph's, at 9:30 on Mother's Day morning (did I mention I'm already running 30 minutes late and that I keep getting calls on the cell informing me of this fact? Yeah, 'cuz it doesn't waste ANY time at all having to stop and answer the phone every 3 seconds) looking for cards and fruit.

In retrospect, I should've picked out the cards first and THEN the fruit, but I was stressed, late and fending off a major attack of the "MomcanIhave"s and therefore I went for the fruit first.

Grabbed the big tray o' fruit and started to walk away only to realize that today, for some reason, they have not put any honeydew melon in the tray. Instead, they've filled two sections with watermelon.

Personally, I could give a rat's ass, but Mom had made a specific request for canteloupe and honeydew. She has a LOT of dietary restrictions and those are two of the things she can eat. Watermelon? Not so much. And I just KNEW...if I didn't have honeydew, I was gonna haveta listen to a "well did you ask if they have it in the back" honeydew rant for the entire car ride.

So, back I ran to the fruit section and grabbed two smaller containers of honeydew and piled them on top of the big fruit tray and headed for the card section. Ran...while balancing slippery plastic trays of fruit.

Good idea, Kel.

In the card section, the kid tries to be helpful by pulling out EVERY SINGLE CARD and asking "what about this one?" "what about this one?" "how about this one?"

Which, normally, I would find adorable, but I'm having to juggle the fruit, try to find cards AND put back all the stuff he's pulling out and handing to me (most of which is not even Mother's Day related).

Oh, and in the middle of all this I realize the fruit tray is leaking juice and some has dripped down my leg, onto my foot and inside my shoe.


Standing next to us in the card section is my about-to-be poor innocent victim. A nice looking guy just trying to pick out cards for his wife and mother. He actually even tried to help me by asking the kid to come help HIM with cards because I think it was kind of obvious that while I was trying to appreciate the kid's help...it was really driving me batty.

Somehow during this exchange...and I'm still not really sure what happened...I turned towards the guy to ask him something or thank him for his help or something and the next thing I knew...both containers of honeydew just FLEW right off the top of the bigger fruit tray RIGHT AT THIS POOR MAN.

They landed on the floor at his feet...and OF COURSE one of them popped open and sprayed him and the floor with chunks of honeydew and juice.

And I just stood there with my mouth opening and closing like a fish and I couldn't even think of anything to say. Also, I suspected that if I even tried to talk, I was going to burst into tears.

There wasn't even any place for me to put down the fruit tray and cards I was holding so the poor guy ended up being the one to pick up the honeydew off the floor.

I finally got my mind back and thanked him and apologized and in retrospect I should've offered to pay for his purchases or something, but all I could do was grab my remaining fruit, the cards I'd picked (one of which was now wet with fruit juice) and head for the checkout kiosk.

I'm sure that guy had fun telling his story about the crazy fruit lady when he got home.

See? THIS is why I need my groceries delivered. I should not be allowed anywhere near a grocery store. It's just too great a risk for me and for the rest of the population.


P.S. AND, I realized once we arrived that I never did get a card for my poor sister-in-law. So, I really didn't avoid the guilt attack, after all.


Barbara Lewis said...

OMG! You are the next Erma Bombeck! And, if you're too young to know who Erma Bombeck is, you owe it to yourself to look her up! This could have been a Seinfeld episode. Just everyday life staring you down! Thanks for the laughs!

kelleysbeads said...

Oh wow. If this had happened to someone else, I know we would be snickering together. But, I think this time, I'm snickering by myself. Not at you. Just. Near you.

In spite of your mishaps at the grocery store, I hope (I really do) that you had a great Mother's Day. That the kid gave you some special things he made at school and your family reminded you about how extraordinary you are, doing the whole parent thing all by yourself.

SummersStudio said...

Too funny! I definitely think delivery is the way to go. I used to do that and I avoided all sorts of embarassing and annoying grocery store interaction. Grocery stores are dangerous!

Barbara Bechtel said...

you are hilarious. next time get a cart....i'm guilty of this as well. but as a former grocery store manager, i can attest that your feelings are not unfounded. ;)

Mellisa - Chinook Jewelry said...

But I do appreciate that you share your humiliation with all of us :) It takes a brave woman to admit to fruit assault!

Kristen said...

Oh my gosh Kelly, you poor thing! I can feel your pain. I have to take my kids with me when I go to the store too, and have tried to stop doing that all together to save my sanity! I hope you had a nice Mother's Day despite the mess. :)

SueBeads said...

WHAT would we do without your blog? I think Amazon delivers groceries!

TesoriTrovati said...

A smile and a wink to you!
That was priceless!
Enjoy the day.